I moved back home about a month ago after living on my own the past four years. It definitely has been a fiery experience for me as I am finally having to face all that I had run away from during my undergraduate years in college. ha. welcome to reality. I'm realizing how good my undergraduate years has been for me, but also how more than it being a prediction of what my life would look like in the future I felt that it was a training to prepare for what would be awaiting me back at home. Haha, I feel like I'm making living at home sound like it's some beast monster that is after my life. I'll try my best to not make this as dramatic as I like to make things. Anyway, I've struggled submitting to my parents -- well my mom, simply because I grew up with a cocky mentality that I was better than them and that they didn't know better since they weren't as educated as I was and especially because they were not professed believers. Whenever I came across those places of scripture when God would command us to "obey our parents" or those proverbs that would encourage us that we are to be a blessing to our mothers and fathers, I felt my spirit cringe. I thought, what if what they are saying is not right? What if, what my parents want me to do is ungodly?
I've been meditating on the prodigal son story this week, and boy can I say that I have related with the 'good' older brother so many times in the past that I could probably stick my name in there. I sympathize with him at so many levels. For the most part, I grew up doing the 'right' things-- studying, getting good grades, going to a good school, not doing drugs, and just all those things korean parents think makes a "good" child. In the story of the prodigal child, we see this lost son who did everything a "good" child wouldn't do -- he took his share of the money from his father and went off to a far away place just using his money for his own pleasure by living in debauchery. He got to the point where he spent everything he was given, and he ended up becoming so poor that he had to enslave himself to a foreign people eating what pigs had to eat. He became so desperate that he decided to go back home. To his surprise, his father welcomed him with a big celebration because he was so happy that his son had returned. What I would like to focus on is the response of the older son. Here is a glimpse of the story after the older son was notified of what happened when his troublemaker younger brother returned: Luke 15: 28-30
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
I have honestly had these pharisaic attitudes not only in my own family, but even in the church. There were times when my brothers got more attention because they were causing trouble, and I felt those icky feelings in me almost out of this place of jealousy that I was not receiving something that I actually deserved. What stands out to me in this passage is when the older son says that he's been "slaving" for his father and how his father never gave him anything to celebrate. Just being in the home, I can say that there have been so many moments when I have felt that I have "slaved" myself to my family. What makes it a "slave" mentality is that I was doing all these "right" things in my own eyes to find my identity in them and acceptance by them. And the story of the older son pangs me because I could hear the sadness in his father's heart that his own son did not know his identity as a son. The older son was working to become worthy of his father's affections, when his father's affections were already fully available to him.
As I am walking into this place of becoming my own individual, apart from these various identities that I had taken upon myself for most of my life, I am coming to a place where I can say that I know my identity as a daughter in the family. That, I no longer desire to hold this slave mentality out of my insecurity, but that out of the freedom of knowing that I am loved I want to choose to be a blessing to my mother and father because they are the ones God has given to me. It is no longer that I am trying to do the right things to find approval from my family, but that I want to choose to honor and obey them out of the overflow of my being because I really believe when the scriptures say that children are to be a blessing to their parents.
31" [my little girl],' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
btw. I started another blog for my personal adventures as I explore the city. It is called "the adventures of a little korean girl" http://adventurewithhatty.blogspot.com
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Yes. In the Name of 'God' Intention!
Proverbs 20:25
It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one's vows.
Vows. I can't even count the number of vows that I have made to myself, people, and most importantly to God, simply because I made too many without ever following through with them.
In this generation, we are taught to just say "Yes" to all things, as long as it seems 'good'. When I came across this proverb, the old me could identify with it completely because much of my life was based on so many rash 'yes' decisions and promises to me, people, and God Himself that resulted in sorry consequences and regret. I wish I could say that up until this point, I have been a woman of my word -- one who has been able to keep her word and follow through, not just partially but completely and thoroughly. But, I can't. I must admit that I had been so thoroughly trained in making decisions based on 'good' intentions (which is the excuse a lot of us use when we make bad decisions that result in sucky circumstances). More and more though, I'm learning that good intentions are not necessarily and (if I may say this) just usually not wise -- which in actuality make these good intentioned decisions result in some funky situations AND they really are not God's will. As I have been hitting this point over and over, the meaning of 'good' intention is being redefined in this new season in my life as I am coming to a place where I am understanding the value of my words, actions, and commitments. Not only that, I am coming to a place where I actually value my own words, actions, and commitments. And through this process, I am learning more of what 'God' intention looks like. haha. you liked that one didn't you?
'Good' intention.
I think making decisions from this place called 'good' intention makes us want to do so many great and noble things. We offer gifts and words of advice, we do some sacrificial acts for one another, and commit to things we know we can't follow through with, all in the name of 'good' intention. While there is nothing wrong with acting from this place -- if this is the only place we are doing things, it might be wise to reconsider the source from which we make decisions. Don't we ever face those moments of misunderstanding with others, when we give some advice out of 'good' intention only to be misunderstand. We turn out to be the bad guys all of a sudden. Then, there are also other moments when we do some nice and generous things for people, only for it to be misunderstood as some deceptive act -- to be turned around back on us again. This isn't to say that we should live always thinking about what other people would think, but a lot of the times we get into this trouble because there really are some hidden motivations and intentions that we ourselves are not aware of. Just maybe, we shouldn't have said those 'good' intentioned things because we just didn't understand the situation. And maybe, we just wasn't in the position to give someone something we felt that they needed... maybe, that just wasn't what God would have wanted us to do even though in our own eyes, it seemed like a 'good' thing. We commit to jobs and relationships, which are all great and noble things, but we don't listen to what our own soul is crying out for and we just end up feeling cheated and robbed at the end when things don't go the way we planned (which is.. usually the case ha!). And at the end of the day, we often times get ourselves in a deeper rut than we were before, all in the name of 'good' intention.
I feel that I begin this next part of life without having any vows to people (not even my boyfriend!), ideals, and to God. This sounds a little bit extreme that I have had to come to this place where I know no commitment (and seriously I had to break all the ones I had made in the past), but I think this was necessary because I've had so many cheap vows that I unwisely declared publicly that confused what the actual significance of my commitment was -- in the name of 'good' intention. At the same time, I made vows before (sometimes MANY) people and myself and God -- that were often times conflicting -- and nearly impossible to commit to even if I were to fulfill them all. AND, there were so many unspoken vows that I made -- which made it that much more difficult to keep -- simply because those unspoken vows were basically between me and God and they required me to really follow through with my words because I wanted to and not because of wanting approval, praise, glory or other things that have been important to me in the past. I just put myself up for more than I was called to and could even handle.
Something God is really revealing to me these days is that making commitments aren't bad, but when we make them while losing sight of our commitment to God Himself IS. I think a lot of times, we make all sorts of commitments to great things, relationships, and ideals but we don't even truly understand what our commitments to God are and how our other commitments fall under the one we made to God. We just get too ahead of ourselves.. and sometimes we just get too ahead of God! I think there is something within us that is naturally inclined to make commitments and want to make them in various forms (as much as we want to believe that we're so not the committal type) because we were created to have covenant with Him --but when we don't have that relationship with Him there is this constant void in us always seeking to find identity even in our commitments, pleasure from what we can DO, and other stuff. In this process, we often times fall prey to those natural inclinations without really considering what the cost of that commitment MEANS. "Yeah, I'll do it", or "I"ll be there for you no matter what", or "I will stand with you no matter what comes your way", or "You are my best friend". We've heard these things said from people around us, only to be disappointed many times because circumstances sometimes called for radical sacrifice and expensive costs (which we are usually not willing to take). And, we've probably said this to a handful of people as well, only to have fallen short to our words.
I am learning to distinguish the difference between having 'good' intention and having 'God' intention. Those who live with only 'good' intention make decisions based on what they think they need for themselves, what they think others need, and what they think God needs from them. On the flipside, those who live with 'God' intention makes decisions based on what God thinks and says through the word and His Spirit. period. 'Good' intentioned decisions revolve around the "Self", while 'God' intentioned decisions --- well..revolve around God Himself.
I have no ending to this, except that maybe some of us need some time to step away from great things such as relationships, jobs, visions, ourselves, ministries, and this list can go on to really find who is true and committed to us -- that which is God Himself. And then, when we have truly encountered Him and have come to know his commitment to us and our commitment to Him -- then... JUST THEN..maybe we might be able to make some healthy commitments which God will bring into fruition in fullness.
Lord, let our Yes to YOU be Yes and all else fall secondary to our response to YOU.
Matthew 5: 33-37
33"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old,'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.' 34But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, 35or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. 36And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. 37Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil.
It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one's vows.
Vows. I can't even count the number of vows that I have made to myself, people, and most importantly to God, simply because I made too many without ever following through with them.
In this generation, we are taught to just say "Yes" to all things, as long as it seems 'good'. When I came across this proverb, the old me could identify with it completely because much of my life was based on so many rash 'yes' decisions and promises to me, people, and God Himself that resulted in sorry consequences and regret. I wish I could say that up until this point, I have been a woman of my word -- one who has been able to keep her word and follow through, not just partially but completely and thoroughly. But, I can't. I must admit that I had been so thoroughly trained in making decisions based on 'good' intentions (which is the excuse a lot of us use when we make bad decisions that result in sucky circumstances). More and more though, I'm learning that good intentions are not necessarily and (if I may say this) just usually not wise -- which in actuality make these good intentioned decisions result in some funky situations AND they really are not God's will. As I have been hitting this point over and over, the meaning of 'good' intention is being redefined in this new season in my life as I am coming to a place where I am understanding the value of my words, actions, and commitments. Not only that, I am coming to a place where I actually value my own words, actions, and commitments. And through this process, I am learning more of what 'God' intention looks like. haha. you liked that one didn't you?
'Good' intention.
I think making decisions from this place called 'good' intention makes us want to do so many great and noble things. We offer gifts and words of advice, we do some sacrificial acts for one another, and commit to things we know we can't follow through with, all in the name of 'good' intention. While there is nothing wrong with acting from this place -- if this is the only place we are doing things, it might be wise to reconsider the source from which we make decisions. Don't we ever face those moments of misunderstanding with others, when we give some advice out of 'good' intention only to be misunderstand. We turn out to be the bad guys all of a sudden. Then, there are also other moments when we do some nice and generous things for people, only for it to be misunderstood as some deceptive act -- to be turned around back on us again. This isn't to say that we should live always thinking about what other people would think, but a lot of the times we get into this trouble because there really are some hidden motivations and intentions that we ourselves are not aware of. Just maybe, we shouldn't have said those 'good' intentioned things because we just didn't understand the situation. And maybe, we just wasn't in the position to give someone something we felt that they needed... maybe, that just wasn't what God would have wanted us to do even though in our own eyes, it seemed like a 'good' thing. We commit to jobs and relationships, which are all great and noble things, but we don't listen to what our own soul is crying out for and we just end up feeling cheated and robbed at the end when things don't go the way we planned (which is.. usually the case ha!). And at the end of the day, we often times get ourselves in a deeper rut than we were before, all in the name of 'good' intention.
I feel that I begin this next part of life without having any vows to people (not even my boyfriend!), ideals, and to God. This sounds a little bit extreme that I have had to come to this place where I know no commitment (and seriously I had to break all the ones I had made in the past), but I think this was necessary because I've had so many cheap vows that I unwisely declared publicly that confused what the actual significance of my commitment was -- in the name of 'good' intention. At the same time, I made vows before (sometimes MANY) people and myself and God -- that were often times conflicting -- and nearly impossible to commit to even if I were to fulfill them all. AND, there were so many unspoken vows that I made -- which made it that much more difficult to keep -- simply because those unspoken vows were basically between me and God and they required me to really follow through with my words because I wanted to and not because of wanting approval, praise, glory or other things that have been important to me in the past. I just put myself up for more than I was called to and could even handle.
Something God is really revealing to me these days is that making commitments aren't bad, but when we make them while losing sight of our commitment to God Himself IS. I think a lot of times, we make all sorts of commitments to great things, relationships, and ideals but we don't even truly understand what our commitments to God are and how our other commitments fall under the one we made to God. We just get too ahead of ourselves.. and sometimes we just get too ahead of God! I think there is something within us that is naturally inclined to make commitments and want to make them in various forms (as much as we want to believe that we're so not the committal type) because we were created to have covenant with Him --but when we don't have that relationship with Him there is this constant void in us always seeking to find identity even in our commitments, pleasure from what we can DO, and other stuff. In this process, we often times fall prey to those natural inclinations without really considering what the cost of that commitment MEANS. "Yeah, I'll do it", or "I"ll be there for you no matter what", or "I will stand with you no matter what comes your way", or "You are my best friend". We've heard these things said from people around us, only to be disappointed many times because circumstances sometimes called for radical sacrifice and expensive costs (which we are usually not willing to take). And, we've probably said this to a handful of people as well, only to have fallen short to our words.
I am learning to distinguish the difference between having 'good' intention and having 'God' intention. Those who live with only 'good' intention make decisions based on what they think they need for themselves, what they think others need, and what they think God needs from them. On the flipside, those who live with 'God' intention makes decisions based on what God thinks and says through the word and His Spirit. period. 'Good' intentioned decisions revolve around the "Self", while 'God' intentioned decisions --- well..revolve around God Himself.
I have no ending to this, except that maybe some of us need some time to step away from great things such as relationships, jobs, visions, ourselves, ministries, and this list can go on to really find who is true and committed to us -- that which is God Himself. And then, when we have truly encountered Him and have come to know his commitment to us and our commitment to Him -- then... JUST THEN..maybe we might be able to make some healthy commitments which God will bring into fruition in fullness.
Lord, let our Yes to YOU be Yes and all else fall secondary to our response to YOU.
Matthew 5: 33-37
33"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old,'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.' 34But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, 35or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. 36And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. 37Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Waiting for the Reservoir
"So I tried and we tried -- and failed. He had to teach us to Be Still and Know. Then when His time came His will was clear." -Amy Carmichael
What Amy Carmichael said during a season in her life in ministry is becoming tangible in the season that I feel that I am in. When I look around and even look in the near past of my own life, I see how much we as people want to accomplish and even end up accomplishing everything in a egoistical way. We gather as much of our own strength, motivation, and might as we figure out a strategic way to accomplish our own will and desires. I mean, it's very rational. However, I'm realizing more and more how the genuine power of a person lies not so much in the effort that he or she takes to accomplish his own will -- but how power is birthed when we are able to sustain and confront the feelings of emptiness that we feel so often without trying to fill that void prematurely with a substitute power that is not really power at all -- but a disguise of what we really need. We see this manifest in so many ways within ourselves such as trying to define ourselves with a prestigious career, money, our fashion, cheap integrity.
I feel like I'm being emptied out these days -- to the point to which I see this weak wrinkly spirit in me who feels so helpless and hopeless and even sometimes depressed because I'm being told who I am not. My false sense of identity is being shattered from every degree. I've wanted to be so many things growing up -- not because that was what my soul was crying out for, but because these ideals made me feel secure and safe especially against the expectations of this world. But, I realize how I have used so many of these seemingly GOOD ideals as premature substitutes of what I need, or rather WHO I need. I know this "emptying" out of some of these identities that I have taken upon myself is necessary to truly come to a place where I can really know who I am in Him. When will this end?
If I can have the honor to even say this for this brief moment, I feel like I can identify with Amy Carmichael (BTW - I will be honored to live even a tenth of how she lived -- I would be blessed) as I feel like I'm waiting for the power of God to manifest in this empty vessel of me in such a way. I love the way this book called Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore that I'm reading describes genuine power -- like a great reservoir whose force of water is like a fast-rushing river. Nothing is manipulated, but everything that flows is natural -- flowing from an endless and mysterious source which I know I can only identify with Him. I am waiting for this and I know this wait shall be well worth it.
Let me tell you. I tried and tried -- and UTTERLY failed. He's having to teach me to be still and know in fullness. I know that this season will not end until I learn that and then I know His will will be clear.
What Amy Carmichael said during a season in her life in ministry is becoming tangible in the season that I feel that I am in. When I look around and even look in the near past of my own life, I see how much we as people want to accomplish and even end up accomplishing everything in a egoistical way. We gather as much of our own strength, motivation, and might as we figure out a strategic way to accomplish our own will and desires. I mean, it's very rational. However, I'm realizing more and more how the genuine power of a person lies not so much in the effort that he or she takes to accomplish his own will -- but how power is birthed when we are able to sustain and confront the feelings of emptiness that we feel so often without trying to fill that void prematurely with a substitute power that is not really power at all -- but a disguise of what we really need. We see this manifest in so many ways within ourselves such as trying to define ourselves with a prestigious career, money, our fashion, cheap integrity.
I feel like I'm being emptied out these days -- to the point to which I see this weak wrinkly spirit in me who feels so helpless and hopeless and even sometimes depressed because I'm being told who I am not. My false sense of identity is being shattered from every degree. I've wanted to be so many things growing up -- not because that was what my soul was crying out for, but because these ideals made me feel secure and safe especially against the expectations of this world. But, I realize how I have used so many of these seemingly GOOD ideals as premature substitutes of what I need, or rather WHO I need. I know this "emptying" out of some of these identities that I have taken upon myself is necessary to truly come to a place where I can really know who I am in Him. When will this end?
If I can have the honor to even say this for this brief moment, I feel like I can identify with Amy Carmichael (BTW - I will be honored to live even a tenth of how she lived -- I would be blessed) as I feel like I'm waiting for the power of God to manifest in this empty vessel of me in such a way. I love the way this book called Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore that I'm reading describes genuine power -- like a great reservoir whose force of water is like a fast-rushing river. Nothing is manipulated, but everything that flows is natural -- flowing from an endless and mysterious source which I know I can only identify with Him. I am waiting for this and I know this wait shall be well worth it.
Let me tell you. I tried and tried -- and UTTERLY failed. He's having to teach me to be still and know in fullness. I know that this season will not end until I learn that and then I know His will will be clear.
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