He Gave No Answer

Song of Solmon 5: 6
"I opened to my beloved
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.

I realize we as people always long for love, yet we also fear it. It's rare to have one without the other because they tend to come together with the package. To many of us, love has taken on various meanings, often times defined by the media, our parents and peers, and our own conjured up delusional ideas of what we believe real love is supposed to look like. We long for that fuzzy feeling side, that person or even thing that can keep us company at night, someone to celebrate holidays with, and someone that we can pour out our own love to so that we can feel significant. But at the same time, love is scary for most people. It means commitment through the thick and thin until the very end, it means trusting what you don't know, it means being vulnerable, it means death to self for another, it means forgiveness when you are wronged, it means to cover against all offense, it means to hold nothing back.

Like this bride in the song of solomon, one of the greatest fears a person has is losing the love of his/her life. After the beloved disappears, we see this intense journey that the bride goes on, and it's not a very colorful feel-good one. She gets beat up, bruised, and her identity is just exposed to be shamed. We see her desperation as she proclaims that she is "sick with love" as she convinces the public that her beloved is worth the journey to find -- this is usually the part where people's love is really tested. It's no longer about the fuzzy feeling inside or the the fun times, but it's about covering all the lies that people will say to you about your lover, it's about the journey you are willing to take to seek Him, it's about laying down all the facades and false images you've wanted to uphold for the sake of safety, it's about facing and overcoming all your fears.

When this passage says "he gave no answer", it gives me the chills. Doesn't love mean that He or anyone else is always supposed to be there and do this and that? I can't even imagine what the bride was thinking when "he gave no answer". He must have abandoned her. He must have deceived her. He must have done all these outrageous things against her. But we see later, that this bride knew her beloved and knew him better than anyone around her. She seeks him because she knows his love for her and that he is worth her fight to love -- even at the cost of facing all of her fears -- of rejection, abandonment, getting beaten up, and death.

Why does God give no answer and keep silent at times throughout the Bible and in our own lives? A big example is the story of Job. Job went through A LOT of adversity and God was silent for most of it (God even invited Satan to be a part of it!). Yet, there was this hidden trust behind God's silence. God didn't have to say anything -- Job already knew Him. God had entrusted him to go on that difficult journey to know Him in intimacy even when circumstances were bad. And as a result, he proved his love and faithfulness and was drawn into a deeper intimacy with Him. I don't think God so much needs us to PROVE our love to him (he doesn't really need anything from us), but if anything, I think times of trial or even just times of His silence is an opportunity for us to really test the genuineness of our love for him -- to test whether we truly know Him. I think he gives that to us, not because he needs to know, but to reveal the depth of us and our love for Him to ourselves-- and in trust, to give us the opportunity to be one who searches Him -- to be one who has no fear in our love for Him.

1 John 4:13-19
By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe that love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

Hiding Go Seek

Up until this point, it has been usually really easy to encounter God -- you know open my heart and open the Bible, receive a cool revelation, have a really passionate worship time, or experience breakthrough in my own personal life, or just chilling peacefully and enjoying His presence. But this time around, there's something really different and a shift taking place as I am graduating this weekend. And in many ways, I really believe it is a complete end to many things in my life -- my old way of doing things especially 'christian' things, my reputation, my self-oriented goals, my tendency to just run-away from circumstances, my idolization of man and even material things, all the ways I have related with people in the past, and most importantly the way I have related with God (which is why everything else MUST end).

I feel like I'm playing hiding go seek with God these days. While I used to be the one hiding very intentionally from God for years because of my brokenness and shame, I feel like He is actually hiding from me now. I guess this is quite an ironic thing and maybe sounds pretty blasphemous when you first think about it, but let me process a little bit more. When little kids play hiding go seek, there is one seeker and another one that hides. The one that seeks looks everywhere desperately for that one that hides. And if a person doesn't hide, it's just lame because there's no searching or journey involved. BUT, the one that hides usually tries to hide in creative places or sometimes just ANYWHERE, but that one kid who hides ALWAYS wants to be found (even though his main objective is to hide and "not be found"). He wants to be found because it's FUN when the seeker finds you and the hider is found. Plus, the kid who hides doesn't want to be left hiding for hours and not found -- it just gets boring and the kid will eventually come out.

I feel like this seeker. While I have come to know the God who knocks at MY door, who is readily available for me, who loves me unconditionally, who adores me and calls me beautiful, and who seeks me until I'm found, I feel like what He's asking of me in this season is to search for Him desperately and to seek Him even if that means it'll take hours, beatings, and death to find Him -- because He is WORTH searching for. That He will no longer be someone that is just conveniently there and in my face all the time, but because he loves me and trusts me that He is willing to separate himself from me so that I have the honor to walk this journey of searching Him.

The past three weeks, I have literally been having to spend hours just sitting in one position usually, sometimes quiet and other times throwing tantrums, just to have a short encounter with Him. For days, I found myself just shouting, feeling bitter as if God just didn't want to be there anymore, complaining, cursing at Him, blaming Him, seeking answers, wanting everything else before wanting Him. I felt his silence, and let me tell you... it was VERY silent. I almost saw him looking down at me with his arms crossed and appearing very exhausted as he asked me "Are you done?" As soon as I finished my whole rampage of who knows what all that was about, I just sat in silence for probably another hour with nothing except just more silence. And after those couple hours, at the end the only thing I would hear is "Can you just sit here with me even if I say nothing to you?" That's all most days.

Often times, I find myself wanting to think that God never wants to be found and is just "yagola" ing me (sorry this Korean word is perfect for what I feel) and just wants to make me suffer, but really like that kid that hides, I really believe that HE is just WAITING to be found because He is worth it -- not what he could do or what he could offer but HIM and just HIM. And really, when I do find Him I could feel his excitement and joy to be with me that much more. While some days, I just want to resort to some Bible reading to gets some "word of wisdom about Him" and use it as just some kind of "fill" for my MIND since I feel like I can't at the heart-level and then sleep with that part of my day done --- I know only God can fill what I've been hungering for these days and it's literally HIM and his MANIFEST presence.

Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

During a sermon a while back, I learned that in the Greek translation the verbs used in this passage literally translates to "keep asking", "keep seeking", "keep knocking". While a lot of people use this passage to keep pressing in for prayers to be answered and for God to DO things, I really believe this passage is directing His people to KEEP asking for HIM, KEEP seeking HIM, KEEP knocking at His door -- because He is really OUR GIFT that no one take away from us and He is WORTH it and He is WAITING to be FOUND.

hiding GO SEEK HIM.

Found Faithful

This has been the song that has been on my heart tonight.

"Found Faithful" by Justin Rizzo

I want to live before Your eyes
I want to stay before Your gaze
So keep me steady here

I want to run the race
I want to keep the faith
Help me win the prize
Of the knowledge of You

I want to be found faithful
I want to be found steady
I want to be found faithful
Until the end

Lord I pray that I would be found faithful and steady until the end.

I Danced in the Rain of Bread Today

I realized today that there are two kinds of wildernesses in life: one that is created by the enemy and man, and another that is created with purpose by God.

We often times don't think of the world that we live in a place of wilderness because it has all the disguises of the "flowing of milk and honey" and the "freedom" to choose and live our own life. We say, our families are alright (better than someone's), have a good job, have a lot of money, have comfort, have a roof over our heads, have this and that. However, we so often fail to realize that we are actually slaves in our hearts, souls, and minds to the system, to money, to man, to false expectations, to a false sense of approval, and this list goes on. Yeah, we get to sometimes enjoy a nice meal, afford to drive a nice car, make a lot of money, receive recognition and approval from others, but we don't see the reality that this wilderness is hostile against mankind, that its out to kill, steal, and destroy until there's nothing left. It's filled with chaos, people seeking selfish gains and willing to do anything (even another person's life) to have what they think will fill their endless hunger.

For some of us, we know that this hunger can only be filled by God alone. Yet, I always hear people complain and grumble when God leads us into His wilderness, and I am guilty of this too. We say, "God is out to kill us with nothing to eat!" or that he just wants to make us suffer, he wants us to make us slaves, and he doesn't want us to enter into the land flowing with milk and honey. We never see the God who knows what is best for us, the God who leads us with the clouds by day and the fire by night, the God who rains bread from heaven, the God who quenches our thirst with water from the rocks. We never see the God who wants to set us free from our slavery to the man-made idols. We don't recognize the God who gives us exactly enough bread for the day to feed on -- enough that we don't need the the sweeter things more desirable to our flesh. We don't see that his exact portion of bread for us is his fullness for us daily, and that when we don't eat what he gives we leave it to spoil. We don't see the God who desires us to walk in obedience so that when we go back into the hostile environment, we can continue to be filled by Him alone and be lead into the promise land.

I realized today how much I grieve the Holy Spirit by misunderstanding Him. His desire is for us to embrace his wilderness as he causes our hearts to completely turn to him wholeheartedly, to depend on him fully and him ALONE, to trust that he makes a way through anything, to show us that he won't give up on us, to trust that he will fill our hunger and every need, to train us to walk into the promise land and walk in breakthrough and victory in every area of our lives, to become REAL LOVE that the man-made wilderness fails to show. THIS is our God! Something significant that He spoke to me today was that I am to devour the bread that rains from heaven portioned to me daily and that I am not to leave any for the next day to spoil and rot. God is the living bread and what he gives us for today is for today, and we are to walk in full breakthrough with what he gives TODAY. I pray that we will stop waiting for breakthrough to land on our lap, but begin to walk filled with the living bread and allow Him to be all that He desires to be in our lives so that when we get back out there -- we know how to obey him and trust and believe that he gives in FULLNESS and nothing less.

His wilderness is ACTUALLY a very very safe place -- BELIEVE IT OR NOT! Dang. My God loves me. Ha!

Inspired by Exodus 16

'The Lighthouse'

Two weeks ago, I went up to the National Park Cabrillo in San Diego. It was my first time going up to a light house (yes this is it on the left). I'm not sure why the title "The Lighthouse" came up when I was deciding on what this blogspot would be called (I 'jokingly' went over many corny-er titles with cadengs), but I'm sure my trip here had something to do with it.

I learned several things. A lighthouse produces its source of light through a lamp, which was originally lit by open fires and then candles, and then concentrates its light outwardly through its optical lens, which is rotated sometimes as frequent as every two hours by wounding a weighted clockwork assembly by a lighthouse keeper (back in the old days at least -- now everything is powered electronically or mechanically).

It's purpose is to "guide mariners along the coast or into a port, or warn them of submerged dangers."

In short, I feel that I am to be like a lighthouse that is lit by a constant, consistent burning of intimacy that comes only from spending time with God, with an optical lens that concentrates that burning light wherever the 'lighthouse keeper' rotates it.

***Something significant to note about a lighthouse is that it never leads mariners to itself, but it leads and flashes light toward where the mariners need to go or avoid by the leading of the 'lighthouse keeper'. May this one do just that!

Goodbye Xanga, Hello Blogspot

I had to say my farewell to my dearest friend Xanga today, since January 2003. It wasn't just any xanga, but it was Nameless_Hatty. Yes, it's ironic that the first part of my username was "nameless" and the second part was actually my name. I remember I always wanted to be 'different' and during that time, everyone was in the scene with these special nicknames like 'cutie', 'ace', 'sexy', you name it -- it identified someone. Some people would even get in fights with each other, over who had claim over it and who had it first, but this is another story for another blog. Anyway, I just knew I didn't want to be labeled by these akas that would not do justice to my identity. So, I ended up with 'nameless' except that I totally contradicted the first part by ending it with my name. Ha! If only I had known that it would be prophetic for what the blog would be about. Even though the username didn't make any sense at all, I realized later that everything I would write about would have something to do with my journey with God and that's what it became.

Seriously, xanga is where it all started for me. It's where I started to declare my love for God publicly. It's where I shamelessly shared my brokenness and wrote about the way in which God redeemed me -- especially my family. It's where I wrote about things I didn't really comprehend, but wrote about anyway because it just felt 'right'. It's where I searched for truth, for meaning, for validation (especially through comments hehe). It's where I searched for the 'I' in my identity in Him. As I am saying goodbye to my xanga, I'm realizing what my username really meant. It meant that I was called by my name by God, and that as I would search for my identity in Him that I would become so consumed by his identity to the point that I would be nameless. faceless.

I think this is where I am to begin my next journey on blogspot. Yes, I have officially converted to blogspot, but I am a xanga girl at heart. So I just wanted to dedicate my first entry to Xanga, the place where my journey first started. But above even xanga, I just want to honor holy spirit, Jesus, and God the Father who makes all things possible and declare that this new blog will truly honor Him, and Him alone.

Check it out though: www.xanga.com/nameless_hatty
**I still don't understand a lot of the stuff I wrote about =b