Song of Solmon 5: 6
"I opened to my beloved
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
I realize we as people always long for love, yet we also fear it. It's rare to have one without the other because they tend to come together with the package. To many of us, love has taken on various meanings, often times defined by the media, our parents and peers, and our own conjured up delusional ideas of what we believe real love is supposed to look like. We long for that fuzzy feeling side, that person or even thing that can keep us company at night, someone to celebrate holidays with, and someone that we can pour out our own love to so that we can feel significant. But at the same time, love is scary for most people. It means commitment through the thick and thin until the very end, it means trusting what you don't know, it means being vulnerable, it means death to self for another, it means forgiveness when you are wronged, it means to cover against all offense, it means to hold nothing back.
Like this bride in the song of solomon, one of the greatest fears a person has is losing the love of his/her life. After the beloved disappears, we see this intense journey that the bride goes on, and it's not a very colorful feel-good one. She gets beat up, bruised, and her identity is just exposed to be shamed. We see her desperation as she proclaims that she is "sick with love" as she convinces the public that her beloved is worth the journey to find -- this is usually the part where people's love is really tested. It's no longer about the fuzzy feeling inside or the the fun times, but it's about covering all the lies that people will say to you about your lover, it's about the journey you are willing to take to seek Him, it's about laying down all the facades and false images you've wanted to uphold for the sake of safety, it's about facing and overcoming all your fears.
When this passage says "he gave no answer", it gives me the chills. Doesn't love mean that He or anyone else is always supposed to be there and do this and that? I can't even imagine what the bride was thinking when "he gave no answer". He must have abandoned her. He must have deceived her. He must have done all these outrageous things against her. But we see later, that this bride knew her beloved and knew him better than anyone around her. She seeks him because she knows his love for her and that he is worth her fight to love -- even at the cost of facing all of her fears -- of rejection, abandonment, getting beaten up, and death.
Why does God give no answer and keep silent at times throughout the Bible and in our own lives? A big example is the story of Job. Job went through A LOT of adversity and God was silent for most of it (God even invited Satan to be a part of it!). Yet, there was this hidden trust behind God's silence. God didn't have to say anything -- Job already knew Him. God had entrusted him to go on that difficult journey to know Him in intimacy even when circumstances were bad. And as a result, he proved his love and faithfulness and was drawn into a deeper intimacy with Him. I don't think God so much needs us to PROVE our love to him (he doesn't really need anything from us), but if anything, I think times of trial or even just times of His silence is an opportunity for us to really test the genuineness of our love for him -- to test whether we truly know Him. I think he gives that to us, not because he needs to know, but to reveal the depth of us and our love for Him to ourselves-- and in trust, to give us the opportunity to be one who searches Him -- to be one who has no fear in our love for Him.
1 John 4:13-19
By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe that love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Hiding Go Seek
Up until this point, it has been usually really easy to encounter God -- you know open my heart and open the Bible, receive a cool revelation, have a really passionate worship time, or experience breakthrough in my own personal life, or just chilling peacefully and enjoying His presence. But this time around, there's something really different and a shift taking place as I am graduating this weekend. And in many ways, I really believe it is a complete end to many things in my life -- my old way of doing things especially 'christian' things, my reputation, my self-oriented goals, my tendency to just run-away from circumstances, my idolization of man and even material things, all the ways I have related with people in the past, and most importantly the way I have related with God (which is why everything else MUST end).
I feel like I'm playing hiding go seek with God these days. While I used to be the one hiding very intentionally from God for years because of my brokenness and shame, I feel like He is actually hiding from me now. I guess this is quite an ironic thing and maybe sounds pretty blasphemous when you first think about it, but let me process a little bit more. When little kids play hiding go seek, there is one seeker and another one that hides. The one that seeks looks everywhere desperately for that one that hides. And if a person doesn't hide, it's just lame because there's no searching or journey involved. BUT, the one that hides usually tries to hide in creative places or sometimes just ANYWHERE, but that one kid who hides ALWAYS wants to be found (even though his main objective is to hide and "not be found"). He wants to be found because it's FUN when the seeker finds you and the hider is found. Plus, the kid who hides doesn't want to be left hiding for hours and not found -- it just gets boring and the kid will eventually come out.
I feel like this seeker. While I have come to know the God who knocks at MY door, who is readily available for me, who loves me unconditionally, who adores me and calls me beautiful, and who seeks me until I'm found, I feel like what He's asking of me in this season is to search for Him desperately and to seek Him even if that means it'll take hours, beatings, and death to find Him -- because He is WORTH searching for. That He will no longer be someone that is just conveniently there and in my face all the time, but because he loves me and trusts me that He is willing to separate himself from me so that I have the honor to walk this journey of searching Him.
The past three weeks, I have literally been having to spend hours just sitting in one position usually, sometimes quiet and other times throwing tantrums, just to have a short encounter with Him. For days, I found myself just shouting, feeling bitter as if God just didn't want to be there anymore, complaining, cursing at Him, blaming Him, seeking answers, wanting everything else before wanting Him. I felt his silence, and let me tell you... it was VERY silent. I almost saw him looking down at me with his arms crossed and appearing very exhausted as he asked me "Are you done?" As soon as I finished my whole rampage of who knows what all that was about, I just sat in silence for probably another hour with nothing except just more silence. And after those couple hours, at the end the only thing I would hear is "Can you just sit here with me even if I say nothing to you?" That's all most days.
Often times, I find myself wanting to think that God never wants to be found and is just "yagola" ing me (sorry this Korean word is perfect for what I feel) and just wants to make me suffer, but really like that kid that hides, I really believe that HE is just WAITING to be found because He is worth it -- not what he could do or what he could offer but HIM and just HIM. And really, when I do find Him I could feel his excitement and joy to be with me that much more. While some days, I just want to resort to some Bible reading to gets some "word of wisdom about Him" and use it as just some kind of "fill" for my MIND since I feel like I can't at the heart-level and then sleep with that part of my day done --- I know only God can fill what I've been hungering for these days and it's literally HIM and his MANIFEST presence.
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.
During a sermon a while back, I learned that in the Greek translation the verbs used in this passage literally translates to "keep asking", "keep seeking", "keep knocking". While a lot of people use this passage to keep pressing in for prayers to be answered and for God to DO things, I really believe this passage is directing His people to KEEP asking for HIM, KEEP seeking HIM, KEEP knocking at His door -- because He is really OUR GIFT that no one take away from us and He is WORTH it and He is WAITING to be FOUND.
hiding GO SEEK HIM.
I feel like I'm playing hiding go seek with God these days. While I used to be the one hiding very intentionally from God for years because of my brokenness and shame, I feel like He is actually hiding from me now. I guess this is quite an ironic thing and maybe sounds pretty blasphemous when you first think about it, but let me process a little bit more. When little kids play hiding go seek, there is one seeker and another one that hides. The one that seeks looks everywhere desperately for that one that hides. And if a person doesn't hide, it's just lame because there's no searching or journey involved. BUT, the one that hides usually tries to hide in creative places or sometimes just ANYWHERE, but that one kid who hides ALWAYS wants to be found (even though his main objective is to hide and "not be found"). He wants to be found because it's FUN when the seeker finds you and the hider is found. Plus, the kid who hides doesn't want to be left hiding for hours and not found -- it just gets boring and the kid will eventually come out.
I feel like this seeker. While I have come to know the God who knocks at MY door, who is readily available for me, who loves me unconditionally, who adores me and calls me beautiful, and who seeks me until I'm found, I feel like what He's asking of me in this season is to search for Him desperately and to seek Him even if that means it'll take hours, beatings, and death to find Him -- because He is WORTH searching for. That He will no longer be someone that is just conveniently there and in my face all the time, but because he loves me and trusts me that He is willing to separate himself from me so that I have the honor to walk this journey of searching Him.
The past three weeks, I have literally been having to spend hours just sitting in one position usually, sometimes quiet and other times throwing tantrums, just to have a short encounter with Him. For days, I found myself just shouting, feeling bitter as if God just didn't want to be there anymore, complaining, cursing at Him, blaming Him, seeking answers, wanting everything else before wanting Him. I felt his silence, and let me tell you... it was VERY silent. I almost saw him looking down at me with his arms crossed and appearing very exhausted as he asked me "Are you done?" As soon as I finished my whole rampage of who knows what all that was about, I just sat in silence for probably another hour with nothing except just more silence. And after those couple hours, at the end the only thing I would hear is "Can you just sit here with me even if I say nothing to you?" That's all most days.
Often times, I find myself wanting to think that God never wants to be found and is just "yagola" ing me (sorry this Korean word is perfect for what I feel) and just wants to make me suffer, but really like that kid that hides, I really believe that HE is just WAITING to be found because He is worth it -- not what he could do or what he could offer but HIM and just HIM. And really, when I do find Him I could feel his excitement and joy to be with me that much more. While some days, I just want to resort to some Bible reading to gets some "word of wisdom about Him" and use it as just some kind of "fill" for my MIND since I feel like I can't at the heart-level and then sleep with that part of my day done --- I know only God can fill what I've been hungering for these days and it's literally HIM and his MANIFEST presence.
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.
During a sermon a while back, I learned that in the Greek translation the verbs used in this passage literally translates to "keep asking", "keep seeking", "keep knocking". While a lot of people use this passage to keep pressing in for prayers to be answered and for God to DO things, I really believe this passage is directing His people to KEEP asking for HIM, KEEP seeking HIM, KEEP knocking at His door -- because He is really OUR GIFT that no one take away from us and He is WORTH it and He is WAITING to be FOUND.
hiding GO SEEK HIM.
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