Hiding Go Seek

Up until this point, it has been usually really easy to encounter God -- you know open my heart and open the Bible, receive a cool revelation, have a really passionate worship time, or experience breakthrough in my own personal life, or just chilling peacefully and enjoying His presence. But this time around, there's something really different and a shift taking place as I am graduating this weekend. And in many ways, I really believe it is a complete end to many things in my life -- my old way of doing things especially 'christian' things, my reputation, my self-oriented goals, my tendency to just run-away from circumstances, my idolization of man and even material things, all the ways I have related with people in the past, and most importantly the way I have related with God (which is why everything else MUST end).

I feel like I'm playing hiding go seek with God these days. While I used to be the one hiding very intentionally from God for years because of my brokenness and shame, I feel like He is actually hiding from me now. I guess this is quite an ironic thing and maybe sounds pretty blasphemous when you first think about it, but let me process a little bit more. When little kids play hiding go seek, there is one seeker and another one that hides. The one that seeks looks everywhere desperately for that one that hides. And if a person doesn't hide, it's just lame because there's no searching or journey involved. BUT, the one that hides usually tries to hide in creative places or sometimes just ANYWHERE, but that one kid who hides ALWAYS wants to be found (even though his main objective is to hide and "not be found"). He wants to be found because it's FUN when the seeker finds you and the hider is found. Plus, the kid who hides doesn't want to be left hiding for hours and not found -- it just gets boring and the kid will eventually come out.

I feel like this seeker. While I have come to know the God who knocks at MY door, who is readily available for me, who loves me unconditionally, who adores me and calls me beautiful, and who seeks me until I'm found, I feel like what He's asking of me in this season is to search for Him desperately and to seek Him even if that means it'll take hours, beatings, and death to find Him -- because He is WORTH searching for. That He will no longer be someone that is just conveniently there and in my face all the time, but because he loves me and trusts me that He is willing to separate himself from me so that I have the honor to walk this journey of searching Him.

The past three weeks, I have literally been having to spend hours just sitting in one position usually, sometimes quiet and other times throwing tantrums, just to have a short encounter with Him. For days, I found myself just shouting, feeling bitter as if God just didn't want to be there anymore, complaining, cursing at Him, blaming Him, seeking answers, wanting everything else before wanting Him. I felt his silence, and let me tell you... it was VERY silent. I almost saw him looking down at me with his arms crossed and appearing very exhausted as he asked me "Are you done?" As soon as I finished my whole rampage of who knows what all that was about, I just sat in silence for probably another hour with nothing except just more silence. And after those couple hours, at the end the only thing I would hear is "Can you just sit here with me even if I say nothing to you?" That's all most days.

Often times, I find myself wanting to think that God never wants to be found and is just "yagola" ing me (sorry this Korean word is perfect for what I feel) and just wants to make me suffer, but really like that kid that hides, I really believe that HE is just WAITING to be found because He is worth it -- not what he could do or what he could offer but HIM and just HIM. And really, when I do find Him I could feel his excitement and joy to be with me that much more. While some days, I just want to resort to some Bible reading to gets some "word of wisdom about Him" and use it as just some kind of "fill" for my MIND since I feel like I can't at the heart-level and then sleep with that part of my day done --- I know only God can fill what I've been hungering for these days and it's literally HIM and his MANIFEST presence.

Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

During a sermon a while back, I learned that in the Greek translation the verbs used in this passage literally translates to "keep asking", "keep seeking", "keep knocking". While a lot of people use this passage to keep pressing in for prayers to be answered and for God to DO things, I really believe this passage is directing His people to KEEP asking for HIM, KEEP seeking HIM, KEEP knocking at His door -- because He is really OUR GIFT that no one take away from us and He is WORTH it and He is WAITING to be FOUND.

hiding GO SEEK HIM.