Luke 8:5-8
A sower went out to sow his seed, And as he sowed, some fell along the path and was trampled underfoot, and the birds of the air devoured it. And some fell on the rock, and as it grew up, it withered away, because it had no moisture. And some fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up with it and choked it. And some fell into good soil and grew and yielded a hundredfold. As he said these things, he called out, He who has ears, let him hear."
Many of us know this story of the parable of the sower and can probably identify with many parts of this parable. First and foremost, I think many of us find it really difficult to be found on "good soil" that bears much fruit. More times than others, we find ourselves on the path only to have the truth stolen from us. Or we might find ourselves on the rock and receive His truth with joy, yet be blown away by the wind because there are no roots established within us, and some more of us often times find ourselves caught in thorns being so distracted and swamped by the cares of this world that His truth cannot dwell with us. While I can relate with all of these experiences, I think most recently I've felt like the one who was on the rock. The one that received His word with great joy and believed, yet when circumstances changed I found myself being blown left and right away from His truth. While this is probably very obvious, I feel like I'm learning at the heart level that we can try to grow on a flat surface, but without firm roots established in the deep places, the growth will be limited, and it will eventually die if not grow at all.
The other day, I found myself sharing my testimony to a group of my co-workers and it hit me that it's been a long time since I've been able to sit down and just share His story with me from beginning to end (of course it was condensed!). I mean I think I always share personal things here and there, different parts to different people, but sharing the full story was another story. I didn't realize how emotionally, spiritually, and mentally vulnerable it required me to be, but I felt like I almost experienced some of the cracks that God has been drawing me to within ME. I found myself being unable to control some of my emotions and I even felt a little embarrassment want to creep in because my flesh wanted to be this strong woman that has overcome all things. But something someone shared really shed light to me and it really took things home in terms of where I am at. She explained how God has really been teaching her that He always has her lead out of her brokenness. When she said this, I just realized how it's been a long time since I've really gone to that broken place within me. I was looking back in the past years and just saw how I lead so many times from a place of insecurity that took on various forms -- not brokenness.
I mentioned in my previous blog about how I feel like I've been journeying into some of the pains of Jesus, and I guess I realize why He is drawing me deeper in there! Some of these pains are actually the ones that He has shared with me throughout my journey. In the past, I think I experienced my own past in such a self-pitying way and have even experienced them with other people in a insecure way, but I feel like perhaps for the first time I am experiencing them with only Jesus by my side as he's showing me my own brokenness and all that He has been with me through and lead me out of and continuing to do so. Stepping into some of my own cracks have been a bit overwhelming, but I'm understanding that God truly has us lead out of our brokenness, and that it is through those cracks that he establishes His roots in us that we might not be tossed to and fro but yield a hundredfold even when the winds blow and the waves come.
Lord thank you for being our steady rock that doesn't change by circumstances, but that secures us and guards us so that we might grow deeper in our relationship with you bearing MUCH fruit. Amen.
Luke 8:10-15
Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God. The ones along the path are those who have heard. Then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. And the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear the word, receive it with joy. But these have no root; they believe for a while, and in time of testing fall away. And as for what fell among the thorns, they are those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by the cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit does not mature. As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Stepping into the Cracks
I've been meditating on what it means when the scriptures says that Jesus is the rock, He is our chief cornerstone. We say these truths, recite the scriptures, and sing the vbs songs (Jesus is the rock and he rolls my blues away! Bop shu bop shu bop WHOO!), but I feel like I have finally journeyed to this place of understanding a bit, and just a bit, of what Jesus being the rock has anything to do with me and the church.
Ephesians 2: 19-22 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God's people and also members of his household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
There are so many people at church who feel like foreigners and strangers to God and His people, and this is including the very people who profess that Jesus is their rock and savior. I've been thinking about why this seems to be the case for a good number of people in the church, and why there have even been times when I felt that way in my own journey of knowing Him and community in the church. When we look into the scriptures, God's people-the church is called to be built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. Jesus because he reconciles us to the Father so that we are no longer bound by the law,condemned, and shamed, but have hope and access to the covenant of God's promise of salvation through the grace that came through Jesus. Now, if Jesus is the rock and I were to put this in terms of a picture, I literally see a massive rock/chief cornerstone sitting in between a desert place and sea of water, and a group of these strangers camped outside on the desert place around the parameters of the rock checking in to see what's going on and what's not. Speaking from this context, I realize how there have been times that I have felt like a stranger and foreigner to the church because I found myself living bound by the law and works. I judged people, programs, and practices from the outside because they weren't 'perfect'. I shamed myself because I couldn't do something right or the way it was supposed to be done either. These were the times when I checked in when I wanted to, and checked out when it required something of me that I was not willing to give because of my shame-based attitude.
Something significant about these strangers is that these camps and tents and homes built outside of the rock of Jesus, are usually built alone. Maybe we get some hands here and there, but at the end, the house is of the self because the foundation is of the self. I'm realizing these days that sometimes the hardest thing to do in the Christian faith is to let ourselves just sit on the rock of Jesus and to embrace the grace that Jesus gives through his death without letting the blame and shame get the best of us. I think for many of us, we live with an extra lens -- a shaming lens. We are taught as a child to shame others, because we ourselves have been shamed when we didn't get something right and were convinced that we- the person- were the problem. But this is the very message that Jesus came to abolish, he took on our guilt and shame and publicly declared that he was the wrong when he did nothing wrong. And that is why it is through him that we no longer have to live ashamed of who we are.
I used to believe that I had to build my own house, my own community, and my own faith, but sitting on the rock these days is teaching me to be still and know. Often times, we build on ourselves -- and the things we are only familiar and comfortable with. And it is right to believe that you have to build everything yourself when building on a desert ground like this, because there is no grace available in such a shame-based world. The rain will come down so hard on your house, the waves will flood everything you built with your own hands, the winds will blow away the very things that you made part of you when even a little portion of what you have built is not 'perfect' -- because that is the foundation of this world. The enemy is out to shame us and convince us that WE are the wrong, not to make us feel guilty of our wrongs so that we would repent and turn away from them. And for as long as we are living on this shaming soil, we will continue to get our homes rocked.
I can write this entry because I've lived most of my Christian walk near the rock, and not on him. It's just been a major paradigm shift to embrace the rock of Jesus. I'm finding myself on this rock, no longer wanting to sit around the parameters of the rock, or even on the outskirts of this elevated rock to see everything that's going on around me and contemplating to go back to the desert ground, but moving closer to the cracks of this rock, the places of depth where it is dark and unclear, the places where it doesn't look all that glamorous but rather frightening. When we think of the chief cornerstone imagery, we think of a nice polished rock foundation with perfect edges and shaved surfaces, but the rock of Jesus has its cracks, it is natural, and it is not manufactured or manipulated. And, it has been such a journey to have the privilege of Jesus drawing me into some of his pains, cuts, bruises, and cracks so that I might share in his life.
Matthew 7:24-27
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Lord, I pray that you would draw your people onto your rock of grace and covenant. That people would be transformed by being known by you and by knowing you -- and that their homes would be built and filled by you and you alone on the rock of Jesus. And Lord, I pray for courage and bravery to walk this next season in my life, to be bold as I walk into the pains of Jesus and share in his suffering as well as his victory. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Ephesians 2: 19-22 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God's people and also members of his household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
There are so many people at church who feel like foreigners and strangers to God and His people, and this is including the very people who profess that Jesus is their rock and savior. I've been thinking about why this seems to be the case for a good number of people in the church, and why there have even been times when I felt that way in my own journey of knowing Him and community in the church. When we look into the scriptures, God's people-the church is called to be built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. Jesus because he reconciles us to the Father so that we are no longer bound by the law,condemned, and shamed, but have hope and access to the covenant of God's promise of salvation through the grace that came through Jesus. Now, if Jesus is the rock and I were to put this in terms of a picture, I literally see a massive rock/chief cornerstone sitting in between a desert place and sea of water, and a group of these strangers camped outside on the desert place around the parameters of the rock checking in to see what's going on and what's not. Speaking from this context, I realize how there have been times that I have felt like a stranger and foreigner to the church because I found myself living bound by the law and works. I judged people, programs, and practices from the outside because they weren't 'perfect'. I shamed myself because I couldn't do something right or the way it was supposed to be done either. These were the times when I checked in when I wanted to, and checked out when it required something of me that I was not willing to give because of my shame-based attitude.
Something significant about these strangers is that these camps and tents and homes built outside of the rock of Jesus, are usually built alone. Maybe we get some hands here and there, but at the end, the house is of the self because the foundation is of the self. I'm realizing these days that sometimes the hardest thing to do in the Christian faith is to let ourselves just sit on the rock of Jesus and to embrace the grace that Jesus gives through his death without letting the blame and shame get the best of us. I think for many of us, we live with an extra lens -- a shaming lens. We are taught as a child to shame others, because we ourselves have been shamed when we didn't get something right and were convinced that we- the person- were the problem. But this is the very message that Jesus came to abolish, he took on our guilt and shame and publicly declared that he was the wrong when he did nothing wrong. And that is why it is through him that we no longer have to live ashamed of who we are.
I used to believe that I had to build my own house, my own community, and my own faith, but sitting on the rock these days is teaching me to be still and know. Often times, we build on ourselves -- and the things we are only familiar and comfortable with. And it is right to believe that you have to build everything yourself when building on a desert ground like this, because there is no grace available in such a shame-based world. The rain will come down so hard on your house, the waves will flood everything you built with your own hands, the winds will blow away the very things that you made part of you when even a little portion of what you have built is not 'perfect' -- because that is the foundation of this world. The enemy is out to shame us and convince us that WE are the wrong, not to make us feel guilty of our wrongs so that we would repent and turn away from them. And for as long as we are living on this shaming soil, we will continue to get our homes rocked.
I can write this entry because I've lived most of my Christian walk near the rock, and not on him. It's just been a major paradigm shift to embrace the rock of Jesus. I'm finding myself on this rock, no longer wanting to sit around the parameters of the rock, or even on the outskirts of this elevated rock to see everything that's going on around me and contemplating to go back to the desert ground, but moving closer to the cracks of this rock, the places of depth where it is dark and unclear, the places where it doesn't look all that glamorous but rather frightening. When we think of the chief cornerstone imagery, we think of a nice polished rock foundation with perfect edges and shaved surfaces, but the rock of Jesus has its cracks, it is natural, and it is not manufactured or manipulated. And, it has been such a journey to have the privilege of Jesus drawing me into some of his pains, cuts, bruises, and cracks so that I might share in his life.
Matthew 7:24-27
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
Lord, I pray that you would draw your people onto your rock of grace and covenant. That people would be transformed by being known by you and by knowing you -- and that their homes would be built and filled by you and you alone on the rock of Jesus. And Lord, I pray for courage and bravery to walk this next season in my life, to be bold as I walk into the pains of Jesus and share in his suffering as well as his victory. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Blessings of a Little Girl
I moved back home about a month ago after living on my own the past four years. It definitely has been a fiery experience for me as I am finally having to face all that I had run away from during my undergraduate years in college. ha. welcome to reality. I'm realizing how good my undergraduate years has been for me, but also how more than it being a prediction of what my life would look like in the future I felt that it was a training to prepare for what would be awaiting me back at home. Haha, I feel like I'm making living at home sound like it's some beast monster that is after my life. I'll try my best to not make this as dramatic as I like to make things. Anyway, I've struggled submitting to my parents -- well my mom, simply because I grew up with a cocky mentality that I was better than them and that they didn't know better since they weren't as educated as I was and especially because they were not professed believers. Whenever I came across those places of scripture when God would command us to "obey our parents" or those proverbs that would encourage us that we are to be a blessing to our mothers and fathers, I felt my spirit cringe. I thought, what if what they are saying is not right? What if, what my parents want me to do is ungodly?
I've been meditating on the prodigal son story this week, and boy can I say that I have related with the 'good' older brother so many times in the past that I could probably stick my name in there. I sympathize with him at so many levels. For the most part, I grew up doing the 'right' things-- studying, getting good grades, going to a good school, not doing drugs, and just all those things korean parents think makes a "good" child. In the story of the prodigal child, we see this lost son who did everything a "good" child wouldn't do -- he took his share of the money from his father and went off to a far away place just using his money for his own pleasure by living in debauchery. He got to the point where he spent everything he was given, and he ended up becoming so poor that he had to enslave himself to a foreign people eating what pigs had to eat. He became so desperate that he decided to go back home. To his surprise, his father welcomed him with a big celebration because he was so happy that his son had returned. What I would like to focus on is the response of the older son. Here is a glimpse of the story after the older son was notified of what happened when his troublemaker younger brother returned: Luke 15: 28-30
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
I have honestly had these pharisaic attitudes not only in my own family, but even in the church. There were times when my brothers got more attention because they were causing trouble, and I felt those icky feelings in me almost out of this place of jealousy that I was not receiving something that I actually deserved. What stands out to me in this passage is when the older son says that he's been "slaving" for his father and how his father never gave him anything to celebrate. Just being in the home, I can say that there have been so many moments when I have felt that I have "slaved" myself to my family. What makes it a "slave" mentality is that I was doing all these "right" things in my own eyes to find my identity in them and acceptance by them. And the story of the older son pangs me because I could hear the sadness in his father's heart that his own son did not know his identity as a son. The older son was working to become worthy of his father's affections, when his father's affections were already fully available to him.
As I am walking into this place of becoming my own individual, apart from these various identities that I had taken upon myself for most of my life, I am coming to a place where I can say that I know my identity as a daughter in the family. That, I no longer desire to hold this slave mentality out of my insecurity, but that out of the freedom of knowing that I am loved I want to choose to be a blessing to my mother and father because they are the ones God has given to me. It is no longer that I am trying to do the right things to find approval from my family, but that I want to choose to honor and obey them out of the overflow of my being because I really believe when the scriptures say that children are to be a blessing to their parents.
31" [my little girl],' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
btw. I started another blog for my personal adventures as I explore the city. It is called "the adventures of a little korean girl" http://adventurewithhatty.blogspot.com
I've been meditating on the prodigal son story this week, and boy can I say that I have related with the 'good' older brother so many times in the past that I could probably stick my name in there. I sympathize with him at so many levels. For the most part, I grew up doing the 'right' things-- studying, getting good grades, going to a good school, not doing drugs, and just all those things korean parents think makes a "good" child. In the story of the prodigal child, we see this lost son who did everything a "good" child wouldn't do -- he took his share of the money from his father and went off to a far away place just using his money for his own pleasure by living in debauchery. He got to the point where he spent everything he was given, and he ended up becoming so poor that he had to enslave himself to a foreign people eating what pigs had to eat. He became so desperate that he decided to go back home. To his surprise, his father welcomed him with a big celebration because he was so happy that his son had returned. What I would like to focus on is the response of the older son. Here is a glimpse of the story after the older son was notified of what happened when his troublemaker younger brother returned: Luke 15: 28-30
28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
I have honestly had these pharisaic attitudes not only in my own family, but even in the church. There were times when my brothers got more attention because they were causing trouble, and I felt those icky feelings in me almost out of this place of jealousy that I was not receiving something that I actually deserved. What stands out to me in this passage is when the older son says that he's been "slaving" for his father and how his father never gave him anything to celebrate. Just being in the home, I can say that there have been so many moments when I have felt that I have "slaved" myself to my family. What makes it a "slave" mentality is that I was doing all these "right" things in my own eyes to find my identity in them and acceptance by them. And the story of the older son pangs me because I could hear the sadness in his father's heart that his own son did not know his identity as a son. The older son was working to become worthy of his father's affections, when his father's affections were already fully available to him.
As I am walking into this place of becoming my own individual, apart from these various identities that I had taken upon myself for most of my life, I am coming to a place where I can say that I know my identity as a daughter in the family. That, I no longer desire to hold this slave mentality out of my insecurity, but that out of the freedom of knowing that I am loved I want to choose to be a blessing to my mother and father because they are the ones God has given to me. It is no longer that I am trying to do the right things to find approval from my family, but that I want to choose to honor and obey them out of the overflow of my being because I really believe when the scriptures say that children are to be a blessing to their parents.
31" [my little girl],' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
btw. I started another blog for my personal adventures as I explore the city. It is called "the adventures of a little korean girl" http://adventurewithhatty.blogspot.com
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Yes. In the Name of 'God' Intention!
Proverbs 20:25
It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one's vows.
Vows. I can't even count the number of vows that I have made to myself, people, and most importantly to God, simply because I made too many without ever following through with them.
In this generation, we are taught to just say "Yes" to all things, as long as it seems 'good'. When I came across this proverb, the old me could identify with it completely because much of my life was based on so many rash 'yes' decisions and promises to me, people, and God Himself that resulted in sorry consequences and regret. I wish I could say that up until this point, I have been a woman of my word -- one who has been able to keep her word and follow through, not just partially but completely and thoroughly. But, I can't. I must admit that I had been so thoroughly trained in making decisions based on 'good' intentions (which is the excuse a lot of us use when we make bad decisions that result in sucky circumstances). More and more though, I'm learning that good intentions are not necessarily and (if I may say this) just usually not wise -- which in actuality make these good intentioned decisions result in some funky situations AND they really are not God's will. As I have been hitting this point over and over, the meaning of 'good' intention is being redefined in this new season in my life as I am coming to a place where I am understanding the value of my words, actions, and commitments. Not only that, I am coming to a place where I actually value my own words, actions, and commitments. And through this process, I am learning more of what 'God' intention looks like. haha. you liked that one didn't you?
'Good' intention.
I think making decisions from this place called 'good' intention makes us want to do so many great and noble things. We offer gifts and words of advice, we do some sacrificial acts for one another, and commit to things we know we can't follow through with, all in the name of 'good' intention. While there is nothing wrong with acting from this place -- if this is the only place we are doing things, it might be wise to reconsider the source from which we make decisions. Don't we ever face those moments of misunderstanding with others, when we give some advice out of 'good' intention only to be misunderstand. We turn out to be the bad guys all of a sudden. Then, there are also other moments when we do some nice and generous things for people, only for it to be misunderstood as some deceptive act -- to be turned around back on us again. This isn't to say that we should live always thinking about what other people would think, but a lot of the times we get into this trouble because there really are some hidden motivations and intentions that we ourselves are not aware of. Just maybe, we shouldn't have said those 'good' intentioned things because we just didn't understand the situation. And maybe, we just wasn't in the position to give someone something we felt that they needed... maybe, that just wasn't what God would have wanted us to do even though in our own eyes, it seemed like a 'good' thing. We commit to jobs and relationships, which are all great and noble things, but we don't listen to what our own soul is crying out for and we just end up feeling cheated and robbed at the end when things don't go the way we planned (which is.. usually the case ha!). And at the end of the day, we often times get ourselves in a deeper rut than we were before, all in the name of 'good' intention.
I feel that I begin this next part of life without having any vows to people (not even my boyfriend!), ideals, and to God. This sounds a little bit extreme that I have had to come to this place where I know no commitment (and seriously I had to break all the ones I had made in the past), but I think this was necessary because I've had so many cheap vows that I unwisely declared publicly that confused what the actual significance of my commitment was -- in the name of 'good' intention. At the same time, I made vows before (sometimes MANY) people and myself and God -- that were often times conflicting -- and nearly impossible to commit to even if I were to fulfill them all. AND, there were so many unspoken vows that I made -- which made it that much more difficult to keep -- simply because those unspoken vows were basically between me and God and they required me to really follow through with my words because I wanted to and not because of wanting approval, praise, glory or other things that have been important to me in the past. I just put myself up for more than I was called to and could even handle.
Something God is really revealing to me these days is that making commitments aren't bad, but when we make them while losing sight of our commitment to God Himself IS. I think a lot of times, we make all sorts of commitments to great things, relationships, and ideals but we don't even truly understand what our commitments to God are and how our other commitments fall under the one we made to God. We just get too ahead of ourselves.. and sometimes we just get too ahead of God! I think there is something within us that is naturally inclined to make commitments and want to make them in various forms (as much as we want to believe that we're so not the committal type) because we were created to have covenant with Him --but when we don't have that relationship with Him there is this constant void in us always seeking to find identity even in our commitments, pleasure from what we can DO, and other stuff. In this process, we often times fall prey to those natural inclinations without really considering what the cost of that commitment MEANS. "Yeah, I'll do it", or "I"ll be there for you no matter what", or "I will stand with you no matter what comes your way", or "You are my best friend". We've heard these things said from people around us, only to be disappointed many times because circumstances sometimes called for radical sacrifice and expensive costs (which we are usually not willing to take). And, we've probably said this to a handful of people as well, only to have fallen short to our words.
I am learning to distinguish the difference between having 'good' intention and having 'God' intention. Those who live with only 'good' intention make decisions based on what they think they need for themselves, what they think others need, and what they think God needs from them. On the flipside, those who live with 'God' intention makes decisions based on what God thinks and says through the word and His Spirit. period. 'Good' intentioned decisions revolve around the "Self", while 'God' intentioned decisions --- well..revolve around God Himself.
I have no ending to this, except that maybe some of us need some time to step away from great things such as relationships, jobs, visions, ourselves, ministries, and this list can go on to really find who is true and committed to us -- that which is God Himself. And then, when we have truly encountered Him and have come to know his commitment to us and our commitment to Him -- then... JUST THEN..maybe we might be able to make some healthy commitments which God will bring into fruition in fullness.
Lord, let our Yes to YOU be Yes and all else fall secondary to our response to YOU.
Matthew 5: 33-37
33"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old,'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.' 34But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, 35or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. 36And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. 37Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil.
It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one's vows.
Vows. I can't even count the number of vows that I have made to myself, people, and most importantly to God, simply because I made too many without ever following through with them.
In this generation, we are taught to just say "Yes" to all things, as long as it seems 'good'. When I came across this proverb, the old me could identify with it completely because much of my life was based on so many rash 'yes' decisions and promises to me, people, and God Himself that resulted in sorry consequences and regret. I wish I could say that up until this point, I have been a woman of my word -- one who has been able to keep her word and follow through, not just partially but completely and thoroughly. But, I can't. I must admit that I had been so thoroughly trained in making decisions based on 'good' intentions (which is the excuse a lot of us use when we make bad decisions that result in sucky circumstances). More and more though, I'm learning that good intentions are not necessarily and (if I may say this) just usually not wise -- which in actuality make these good intentioned decisions result in some funky situations AND they really are not God's will. As I have been hitting this point over and over, the meaning of 'good' intention is being redefined in this new season in my life as I am coming to a place where I am understanding the value of my words, actions, and commitments. Not only that, I am coming to a place where I actually value my own words, actions, and commitments. And through this process, I am learning more of what 'God' intention looks like. haha. you liked that one didn't you?
'Good' intention.
I think making decisions from this place called 'good' intention makes us want to do so many great and noble things. We offer gifts and words of advice, we do some sacrificial acts for one another, and commit to things we know we can't follow through with, all in the name of 'good' intention. While there is nothing wrong with acting from this place -- if this is the only place we are doing things, it might be wise to reconsider the source from which we make decisions. Don't we ever face those moments of misunderstanding with others, when we give some advice out of 'good' intention only to be misunderstand. We turn out to be the bad guys all of a sudden. Then, there are also other moments when we do some nice and generous things for people, only for it to be misunderstood as some deceptive act -- to be turned around back on us again. This isn't to say that we should live always thinking about what other people would think, but a lot of the times we get into this trouble because there really are some hidden motivations and intentions that we ourselves are not aware of. Just maybe, we shouldn't have said those 'good' intentioned things because we just didn't understand the situation. And maybe, we just wasn't in the position to give someone something we felt that they needed... maybe, that just wasn't what God would have wanted us to do even though in our own eyes, it seemed like a 'good' thing. We commit to jobs and relationships, which are all great and noble things, but we don't listen to what our own soul is crying out for and we just end up feeling cheated and robbed at the end when things don't go the way we planned (which is.. usually the case ha!). And at the end of the day, we often times get ourselves in a deeper rut than we were before, all in the name of 'good' intention.
I feel that I begin this next part of life without having any vows to people (not even my boyfriend!), ideals, and to God. This sounds a little bit extreme that I have had to come to this place where I know no commitment (and seriously I had to break all the ones I had made in the past), but I think this was necessary because I've had so many cheap vows that I unwisely declared publicly that confused what the actual significance of my commitment was -- in the name of 'good' intention. At the same time, I made vows before (sometimes MANY) people and myself and God -- that were often times conflicting -- and nearly impossible to commit to even if I were to fulfill them all. AND, there were so many unspoken vows that I made -- which made it that much more difficult to keep -- simply because those unspoken vows were basically between me and God and they required me to really follow through with my words because I wanted to and not because of wanting approval, praise, glory or other things that have been important to me in the past. I just put myself up for more than I was called to and could even handle.
Something God is really revealing to me these days is that making commitments aren't bad, but when we make them while losing sight of our commitment to God Himself IS. I think a lot of times, we make all sorts of commitments to great things, relationships, and ideals but we don't even truly understand what our commitments to God are and how our other commitments fall under the one we made to God. We just get too ahead of ourselves.. and sometimes we just get too ahead of God! I think there is something within us that is naturally inclined to make commitments and want to make them in various forms (as much as we want to believe that we're so not the committal type) because we were created to have covenant with Him --but when we don't have that relationship with Him there is this constant void in us always seeking to find identity even in our commitments, pleasure from what we can DO, and other stuff. In this process, we often times fall prey to those natural inclinations without really considering what the cost of that commitment MEANS. "Yeah, I'll do it", or "I"ll be there for you no matter what", or "I will stand with you no matter what comes your way", or "You are my best friend". We've heard these things said from people around us, only to be disappointed many times because circumstances sometimes called for radical sacrifice and expensive costs (which we are usually not willing to take). And, we've probably said this to a handful of people as well, only to have fallen short to our words.
I am learning to distinguish the difference between having 'good' intention and having 'God' intention. Those who live with only 'good' intention make decisions based on what they think they need for themselves, what they think others need, and what they think God needs from them. On the flipside, those who live with 'God' intention makes decisions based on what God thinks and says through the word and His Spirit. period. 'Good' intentioned decisions revolve around the "Self", while 'God' intentioned decisions --- well..revolve around God Himself.
I have no ending to this, except that maybe some of us need some time to step away from great things such as relationships, jobs, visions, ourselves, ministries, and this list can go on to really find who is true and committed to us -- that which is God Himself. And then, when we have truly encountered Him and have come to know his commitment to us and our commitment to Him -- then... JUST THEN..maybe we might be able to make some healthy commitments which God will bring into fruition in fullness.
Lord, let our Yes to YOU be Yes and all else fall secondary to our response to YOU.
Matthew 5: 33-37
33"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old,'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.' 34But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, 35or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. 36And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. 37Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Waiting for the Reservoir
"So I tried and we tried -- and failed. He had to teach us to Be Still and Know. Then when His time came His will was clear." -Amy Carmichael
What Amy Carmichael said during a season in her life in ministry is becoming tangible in the season that I feel that I am in. When I look around and even look in the near past of my own life, I see how much we as people want to accomplish and even end up accomplishing everything in a egoistical way. We gather as much of our own strength, motivation, and might as we figure out a strategic way to accomplish our own will and desires. I mean, it's very rational. However, I'm realizing more and more how the genuine power of a person lies not so much in the effort that he or she takes to accomplish his own will -- but how power is birthed when we are able to sustain and confront the feelings of emptiness that we feel so often without trying to fill that void prematurely with a substitute power that is not really power at all -- but a disguise of what we really need. We see this manifest in so many ways within ourselves such as trying to define ourselves with a prestigious career, money, our fashion, cheap integrity.
I feel like I'm being emptied out these days -- to the point to which I see this weak wrinkly spirit in me who feels so helpless and hopeless and even sometimes depressed because I'm being told who I am not. My false sense of identity is being shattered from every degree. I've wanted to be so many things growing up -- not because that was what my soul was crying out for, but because these ideals made me feel secure and safe especially against the expectations of this world. But, I realize how I have used so many of these seemingly GOOD ideals as premature substitutes of what I need, or rather WHO I need. I know this "emptying" out of some of these identities that I have taken upon myself is necessary to truly come to a place where I can really know who I am in Him. When will this end?
If I can have the honor to even say this for this brief moment, I feel like I can identify with Amy Carmichael (BTW - I will be honored to live even a tenth of how she lived -- I would be blessed) as I feel like I'm waiting for the power of God to manifest in this empty vessel of me in such a way. I love the way this book called Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore that I'm reading describes genuine power -- like a great reservoir whose force of water is like a fast-rushing river. Nothing is manipulated, but everything that flows is natural -- flowing from an endless and mysterious source which I know I can only identify with Him. I am waiting for this and I know this wait shall be well worth it.
Let me tell you. I tried and tried -- and UTTERLY failed. He's having to teach me to be still and know in fullness. I know that this season will not end until I learn that and then I know His will will be clear.
What Amy Carmichael said during a season in her life in ministry is becoming tangible in the season that I feel that I am in. When I look around and even look in the near past of my own life, I see how much we as people want to accomplish and even end up accomplishing everything in a egoistical way. We gather as much of our own strength, motivation, and might as we figure out a strategic way to accomplish our own will and desires. I mean, it's very rational. However, I'm realizing more and more how the genuine power of a person lies not so much in the effort that he or she takes to accomplish his own will -- but how power is birthed when we are able to sustain and confront the feelings of emptiness that we feel so often without trying to fill that void prematurely with a substitute power that is not really power at all -- but a disguise of what we really need. We see this manifest in so many ways within ourselves such as trying to define ourselves with a prestigious career, money, our fashion, cheap integrity.
I feel like I'm being emptied out these days -- to the point to which I see this weak wrinkly spirit in me who feels so helpless and hopeless and even sometimes depressed because I'm being told who I am not. My false sense of identity is being shattered from every degree. I've wanted to be so many things growing up -- not because that was what my soul was crying out for, but because these ideals made me feel secure and safe especially against the expectations of this world. But, I realize how I have used so many of these seemingly GOOD ideals as premature substitutes of what I need, or rather WHO I need. I know this "emptying" out of some of these identities that I have taken upon myself is necessary to truly come to a place where I can really know who I am in Him. When will this end?
If I can have the honor to even say this for this brief moment, I feel like I can identify with Amy Carmichael (BTW - I will be honored to live even a tenth of how she lived -- I would be blessed) as I feel like I'm waiting for the power of God to manifest in this empty vessel of me in such a way. I love the way this book called Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore that I'm reading describes genuine power -- like a great reservoir whose force of water is like a fast-rushing river. Nothing is manipulated, but everything that flows is natural -- flowing from an endless and mysterious source which I know I can only identify with Him. I am waiting for this and I know this wait shall be well worth it.
Let me tell you. I tried and tried -- and UTTERLY failed. He's having to teach me to be still and know in fullness. I know that this season will not end until I learn that and then I know His will will be clear.
Friday, July 31, 2009
The Journey That Was Never Mine
As I am preparing to leave San Diego, I'm seeing the reality that people part and go their separate ways.
During the past four years, I saw myself walk this journey that I thought was mine. I saw other people's journeys that I admired, and I tried to imitate them and sometimes take theirs as my own. In the process of doing this, I often times found myself so lost from forcefully transplanting myself (or sometimes reasonably justifying myself) onto a path that was not designed for me, because I never allowed God to lead me to that place. It wasn't so much that whatever I was doing was wrong, but that there was something that was to take place in between that I skipped over. I made it about the destination and what I was DOING. It was difficult. I didn't believe that God had a special journey specifically designed for me and created for me.
As I look back and find myself now back here at square one, I realize now that I am where I should be -- just nowhere. haha. That sounds a bit depressing, but it's NOT. I feel so at peace because it's so easy to get so caught up in "the journey" that you forget what that journey was all about. I think, for me, that seeing things "work" and "happen" made me excited. It kept my engine going. I saw myself see what kind of strategies and things worked in other people's lives and helped them, and tried to reproduce it in my own life. It worked. But it was so short-lived. Not because it stopped working, but because it just wasn't all that I was designed for. I wasn't living this life to just get things in life, even people, to work and function properly, but I was living to walk this journey with a person, with a holy being who seeks intimacy with me. I realize how God really loves to take his time with us, not because he's slow or he's lazy, but because he's waiting to just have us for himself before he even leads us to where he wants to take us. It's so tempting to become so consumed in the excitement of creating something, leading something, DOING something, that just BEing WITH God can become secondary. And that friends, will get us into A LOT of trouble.
When different people would talk to me about what they were DOING, there were so many times I could feel that inkling of desire to want to DO something too. And honestly, the doing part is not so hard for me; it's actually more natural. I don't even have to think about it. But, I would hear these stories, and I would think that I wasn't doing something right. I began to imagine these scenarios that I wasn't DOING anything noble or great by just BEING and not DOING anything noticeably great, that I forced myself upon the same part of the journey that all these people around me were on --- only to find myself lost a little bit later because it wasn't the journey that was designed for me.
I'm rediscovering the Mary heart in me and I'm back here again, and I'm learning to BE and to allow His adventure for me to unravel before me, rather than go searching for it on my own in other people's lives or even in this world. If I can share a word, especially to those younger, I really pray that you would never feel pressured to walk a path that was never yours to walk on. And I repent as myself, and on behalf of all those you have looked up to, that has tried to subconsciously pressure you to walk the same journey that we were on rather than honor and be excited for yours to unravel before you. And I pray that you will know His pleasure over you to simply just be with you -- that without you doing anything, that he enjoys your company on this journey that is HIS and not yours. That what MAKES this journey.. a journey.. is not that you are destined for something great or going to do something crazy but that God is with you and walking with you and sharing HIS heart with you on this journey to make you WHOLE and HIS. That MAKES this one heck a journey worth to walk on. I pray that you will walk on the one He designed for you and that in that process that you will FIND Him which will never be taken away from you and that you will be made whole -- living for Him and only Him .
It's never about the destination, just the journey He has WITH you.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for WHOLENESS and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
Luke 10: 42
...but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.
During the past four years, I saw myself walk this journey that I thought was mine. I saw other people's journeys that I admired, and I tried to imitate them and sometimes take theirs as my own. In the process of doing this, I often times found myself so lost from forcefully transplanting myself (or sometimes reasonably justifying myself) onto a path that was not designed for me, because I never allowed God to lead me to that place. It wasn't so much that whatever I was doing was wrong, but that there was something that was to take place in between that I skipped over. I made it about the destination and what I was DOING. It was difficult. I didn't believe that God had a special journey specifically designed for me and created for me.
As I look back and find myself now back here at square one, I realize now that I am where I should be -- just nowhere. haha. That sounds a bit depressing, but it's NOT. I feel so at peace because it's so easy to get so caught up in "the journey" that you forget what that journey was all about. I think, for me, that seeing things "work" and "happen" made me excited. It kept my engine going. I saw myself see what kind of strategies and things worked in other people's lives and helped them, and tried to reproduce it in my own life. It worked. But it was so short-lived. Not because it stopped working, but because it just wasn't all that I was designed for. I wasn't living this life to just get things in life, even people, to work and function properly, but I was living to walk this journey with a person, with a holy being who seeks intimacy with me. I realize how God really loves to take his time with us, not because he's slow or he's lazy, but because he's waiting to just have us for himself before he even leads us to where he wants to take us. It's so tempting to become so consumed in the excitement of creating something, leading something, DOING something, that just BEing WITH God can become secondary. And that friends, will get us into A LOT of trouble.
When different people would talk to me about what they were DOING, there were so many times I could feel that inkling of desire to want to DO something too. And honestly, the doing part is not so hard for me; it's actually more natural. I don't even have to think about it. But, I would hear these stories, and I would think that I wasn't doing something right. I began to imagine these scenarios that I wasn't DOING anything noble or great by just BEING and not DOING anything noticeably great, that I forced myself upon the same part of the journey that all these people around me were on --- only to find myself lost a little bit later because it wasn't the journey that was designed for me.
I'm rediscovering the Mary heart in me and I'm back here again, and I'm learning to BE and to allow His adventure for me to unravel before me, rather than go searching for it on my own in other people's lives or even in this world. If I can share a word, especially to those younger, I really pray that you would never feel pressured to walk a path that was never yours to walk on. And I repent as myself, and on behalf of all those you have looked up to, that has tried to subconsciously pressure you to walk the same journey that we were on rather than honor and be excited for yours to unravel before you. And I pray that you will know His pleasure over you to simply just be with you -- that without you doing anything, that he enjoys your company on this journey that is HIS and not yours. That what MAKES this journey.. a journey.. is not that you are destined for something great or going to do something crazy but that God is with you and walking with you and sharing HIS heart with you on this journey to make you WHOLE and HIS. That MAKES this one heck a journey worth to walk on. I pray that you will walk on the one He designed for you and that in that process that you will FIND Him which will never be taken away from you and that you will be made whole -- living for Him and only Him .
It's never about the destination, just the journey He has WITH you.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for WHOLENESS and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
Luke 10: 42
...but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
He Gave No Answer
Song of Solmon 5: 6
"I opened to my beloved
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
I realize we as people always long for love, yet we also fear it. It's rare to have one without the other because they tend to come together with the package. To many of us, love has taken on various meanings, often times defined by the media, our parents and peers, and our own conjured up delusional ideas of what we believe real love is supposed to look like. We long for that fuzzy feeling side, that person or even thing that can keep us company at night, someone to celebrate holidays with, and someone that we can pour out our own love to so that we can feel significant. But at the same time, love is scary for most people. It means commitment through the thick and thin until the very end, it means trusting what you don't know, it means being vulnerable, it means death to self for another, it means forgiveness when you are wronged, it means to cover against all offense, it means to hold nothing back.
Like this bride in the song of solomon, one of the greatest fears a person has is losing the love of his/her life. After the beloved disappears, we see this intense journey that the bride goes on, and it's not a very colorful feel-good one. She gets beat up, bruised, and her identity is just exposed to be shamed. We see her desperation as she proclaims that she is "sick with love" as she convinces the public that her beloved is worth the journey to find -- this is usually the part where people's love is really tested. It's no longer about the fuzzy feeling inside or the the fun times, but it's about covering all the lies that people will say to you about your lover, it's about the journey you are willing to take to seek Him, it's about laying down all the facades and false images you've wanted to uphold for the sake of safety, it's about facing and overcoming all your fears.
When this passage says "he gave no answer", it gives me the chills. Doesn't love mean that He or anyone else is always supposed to be there and do this and that? I can't even imagine what the bride was thinking when "he gave no answer". He must have abandoned her. He must have deceived her. He must have done all these outrageous things against her. But we see later, that this bride knew her beloved and knew him better than anyone around her. She seeks him because she knows his love for her and that he is worth her fight to love -- even at the cost of facing all of her fears -- of rejection, abandonment, getting beaten up, and death.
Why does God give no answer and keep silent at times throughout the Bible and in our own lives? A big example is the story of Job. Job went through A LOT of adversity and God was silent for most of it (God even invited Satan to be a part of it!). Yet, there was this hidden trust behind God's silence. God didn't have to say anything -- Job already knew Him. God had entrusted him to go on that difficult journey to know Him in intimacy even when circumstances were bad. And as a result, he proved his love and faithfulness and was drawn into a deeper intimacy with Him. I don't think God so much needs us to PROVE our love to him (he doesn't really need anything from us), but if anything, I think times of trial or even just times of His silence is an opportunity for us to really test the genuineness of our love for him -- to test whether we truly know Him. I think he gives that to us, not because he needs to know, but to reveal the depth of us and our love for Him to ourselves-- and in trust, to give us the opportunity to be one who searches Him -- to be one who has no fear in our love for Him.
1 John 4:13-19
By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe that love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.
"I opened to my beloved
but my beloved had turned and gone.
My soul failed me when he spoke.
I sought him, but found him not;
I called him, but he gave no answer.
I realize we as people always long for love, yet we also fear it. It's rare to have one without the other because they tend to come together with the package. To many of us, love has taken on various meanings, often times defined by the media, our parents and peers, and our own conjured up delusional ideas of what we believe real love is supposed to look like. We long for that fuzzy feeling side, that person or even thing that can keep us company at night, someone to celebrate holidays with, and someone that we can pour out our own love to so that we can feel significant. But at the same time, love is scary for most people. It means commitment through the thick and thin until the very end, it means trusting what you don't know, it means being vulnerable, it means death to self for another, it means forgiveness when you are wronged, it means to cover against all offense, it means to hold nothing back.
Like this bride in the song of solomon, one of the greatest fears a person has is losing the love of his/her life. After the beloved disappears, we see this intense journey that the bride goes on, and it's not a very colorful feel-good one. She gets beat up, bruised, and her identity is just exposed to be shamed. We see her desperation as she proclaims that she is "sick with love" as she convinces the public that her beloved is worth the journey to find -- this is usually the part where people's love is really tested. It's no longer about the fuzzy feeling inside or the the fun times, but it's about covering all the lies that people will say to you about your lover, it's about the journey you are willing to take to seek Him, it's about laying down all the facades and false images you've wanted to uphold for the sake of safety, it's about facing and overcoming all your fears.
When this passage says "he gave no answer", it gives me the chills. Doesn't love mean that He or anyone else is always supposed to be there and do this and that? I can't even imagine what the bride was thinking when "he gave no answer". He must have abandoned her. He must have deceived her. He must have done all these outrageous things against her. But we see later, that this bride knew her beloved and knew him better than anyone around her. She seeks him because she knows his love for her and that he is worth her fight to love -- even at the cost of facing all of her fears -- of rejection, abandonment, getting beaten up, and death.
Why does God give no answer and keep silent at times throughout the Bible and in our own lives? A big example is the story of Job. Job went through A LOT of adversity and God was silent for most of it (God even invited Satan to be a part of it!). Yet, there was this hidden trust behind God's silence. God didn't have to say anything -- Job already knew Him. God had entrusted him to go on that difficult journey to know Him in intimacy even when circumstances were bad. And as a result, he proved his love and faithfulness and was drawn into a deeper intimacy with Him. I don't think God so much needs us to PROVE our love to him (he doesn't really need anything from us), but if anything, I think times of trial or even just times of His silence is an opportunity for us to really test the genuineness of our love for him -- to test whether we truly know Him. I think he gives that to us, not because he needs to know, but to reveal the depth of us and our love for Him to ourselves-- and in trust, to give us the opportunity to be one who searches Him -- to be one who has no fear in our love for Him.
1 John 4:13-19
By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe that love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Hiding Go Seek
Up until this point, it has been usually really easy to encounter God -- you know open my heart and open the Bible, receive a cool revelation, have a really passionate worship time, or experience breakthrough in my own personal life, or just chilling peacefully and enjoying His presence. But this time around, there's something really different and a shift taking place as I am graduating this weekend. And in many ways, I really believe it is a complete end to many things in my life -- my old way of doing things especially 'christian' things, my reputation, my self-oriented goals, my tendency to just run-away from circumstances, my idolization of man and even material things, all the ways I have related with people in the past, and most importantly the way I have related with God (which is why everything else MUST end).
I feel like I'm playing hiding go seek with God these days. While I used to be the one hiding very intentionally from God for years because of my brokenness and shame, I feel like He is actually hiding from me now. I guess this is quite an ironic thing and maybe sounds pretty blasphemous when you first think about it, but let me process a little bit more. When little kids play hiding go seek, there is one seeker and another one that hides. The one that seeks looks everywhere desperately for that one that hides. And if a person doesn't hide, it's just lame because there's no searching or journey involved. BUT, the one that hides usually tries to hide in creative places or sometimes just ANYWHERE, but that one kid who hides ALWAYS wants to be found (even though his main objective is to hide and "not be found"). He wants to be found because it's FUN when the seeker finds you and the hider is found. Plus, the kid who hides doesn't want to be left hiding for hours and not found -- it just gets boring and the kid will eventually come out.
I feel like this seeker. While I have come to know the God who knocks at MY door, who is readily available for me, who loves me unconditionally, who adores me and calls me beautiful, and who seeks me until I'm found, I feel like what He's asking of me in this season is to search for Him desperately and to seek Him even if that means it'll take hours, beatings, and death to find Him -- because He is WORTH searching for. That He will no longer be someone that is just conveniently there and in my face all the time, but because he loves me and trusts me that He is willing to separate himself from me so that I have the honor to walk this journey of searching Him.
The past three weeks, I have literally been having to spend hours just sitting in one position usually, sometimes quiet and other times throwing tantrums, just to have a short encounter with Him. For days, I found myself just shouting, feeling bitter as if God just didn't want to be there anymore, complaining, cursing at Him, blaming Him, seeking answers, wanting everything else before wanting Him. I felt his silence, and let me tell you... it was VERY silent. I almost saw him looking down at me with his arms crossed and appearing very exhausted as he asked me "Are you done?" As soon as I finished my whole rampage of who knows what all that was about, I just sat in silence for probably another hour with nothing except just more silence. And after those couple hours, at the end the only thing I would hear is "Can you just sit here with me even if I say nothing to you?" That's all most days.
Often times, I find myself wanting to think that God never wants to be found and is just "yagola" ing me (sorry this Korean word is perfect for what I feel) and just wants to make me suffer, but really like that kid that hides, I really believe that HE is just WAITING to be found because He is worth it -- not what he could do or what he could offer but HIM and just HIM. And really, when I do find Him I could feel his excitement and joy to be with me that much more. While some days, I just want to resort to some Bible reading to gets some "word of wisdom about Him" and use it as just some kind of "fill" for my MIND since I feel like I can't at the heart-level and then sleep with that part of my day done --- I know only God can fill what I've been hungering for these days and it's literally HIM and his MANIFEST presence.
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.
During a sermon a while back, I learned that in the Greek translation the verbs used in this passage literally translates to "keep asking", "keep seeking", "keep knocking". While a lot of people use this passage to keep pressing in for prayers to be answered and for God to DO things, I really believe this passage is directing His people to KEEP asking for HIM, KEEP seeking HIM, KEEP knocking at His door -- because He is really OUR GIFT that no one take away from us and He is WORTH it and He is WAITING to be FOUND.
hiding GO SEEK HIM.
I feel like I'm playing hiding go seek with God these days. While I used to be the one hiding very intentionally from God for years because of my brokenness and shame, I feel like He is actually hiding from me now. I guess this is quite an ironic thing and maybe sounds pretty blasphemous when you first think about it, but let me process a little bit more. When little kids play hiding go seek, there is one seeker and another one that hides. The one that seeks looks everywhere desperately for that one that hides. And if a person doesn't hide, it's just lame because there's no searching or journey involved. BUT, the one that hides usually tries to hide in creative places or sometimes just ANYWHERE, but that one kid who hides ALWAYS wants to be found (even though his main objective is to hide and "not be found"). He wants to be found because it's FUN when the seeker finds you and the hider is found. Plus, the kid who hides doesn't want to be left hiding for hours and not found -- it just gets boring and the kid will eventually come out.
I feel like this seeker. While I have come to know the God who knocks at MY door, who is readily available for me, who loves me unconditionally, who adores me and calls me beautiful, and who seeks me until I'm found, I feel like what He's asking of me in this season is to search for Him desperately and to seek Him even if that means it'll take hours, beatings, and death to find Him -- because He is WORTH searching for. That He will no longer be someone that is just conveniently there and in my face all the time, but because he loves me and trusts me that He is willing to separate himself from me so that I have the honor to walk this journey of searching Him.
The past three weeks, I have literally been having to spend hours just sitting in one position usually, sometimes quiet and other times throwing tantrums, just to have a short encounter with Him. For days, I found myself just shouting, feeling bitter as if God just didn't want to be there anymore, complaining, cursing at Him, blaming Him, seeking answers, wanting everything else before wanting Him. I felt his silence, and let me tell you... it was VERY silent. I almost saw him looking down at me with his arms crossed and appearing very exhausted as he asked me "Are you done?" As soon as I finished my whole rampage of who knows what all that was about, I just sat in silence for probably another hour with nothing except just more silence. And after those couple hours, at the end the only thing I would hear is "Can you just sit here with me even if I say nothing to you?" That's all most days.
Often times, I find myself wanting to think that God never wants to be found and is just "yagola" ing me (sorry this Korean word is perfect for what I feel) and just wants to make me suffer, but really like that kid that hides, I really believe that HE is just WAITING to be found because He is worth it -- not what he could do or what he could offer but HIM and just HIM. And really, when I do find Him I could feel his excitement and joy to be with me that much more. While some days, I just want to resort to some Bible reading to gets some "word of wisdom about Him" and use it as just some kind of "fill" for my MIND since I feel like I can't at the heart-level and then sleep with that part of my day done --- I know only God can fill what I've been hungering for these days and it's literally HIM and his MANIFEST presence.
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.
During a sermon a while back, I learned that in the Greek translation the verbs used in this passage literally translates to "keep asking", "keep seeking", "keep knocking". While a lot of people use this passage to keep pressing in for prayers to be answered and for God to DO things, I really believe this passage is directing His people to KEEP asking for HIM, KEEP seeking HIM, KEEP knocking at His door -- because He is really OUR GIFT that no one take away from us and He is WORTH it and He is WAITING to be FOUND.
hiding GO SEEK HIM.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Found Faithful
This has been the song that has been on my heart tonight.
"Found Faithful" by Justin Rizzo
I want to live before Your eyesI want to stay before Your gaze
So keep me steady here
I want to run the race
I want to keep the faith
Help me win the prize
Of the knowledge of You
I want to be found faithful
I want to be found steady
I want to be found faithful
Until the end
Lord I pray that I would be found faithful and steady until the end.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I Danced in the Rain of Bread Today
I realized today that there are two kinds of wildernesses in life: one that is created by the enemy and man, and another that is created with purpose by God.
We often times don't think of the world that we live in a place of wilderness because it has all the disguises of the "flowing of milk and honey" and the "freedom" to choose and live our own life. We say, our families are alright (better than someone's), have a good job, have a lot of money, have comfort, have a roof over our heads, have this and that. However, we so often fail to realize that we are actually slaves in our hearts, souls, and minds to the system, to money, to man, to false expectations, to a false sense of approval, and this list goes on. Yeah, we get to sometimes enjoy a nice meal, afford to drive a nice car, make a lot of money, receive recognition and approval from others, but we don't see the reality that this wilderness is hostile against mankind, that its out to kill, steal, and destroy until there's nothing left. It's filled with chaos, people seeking selfish gains and willing to do anything (even another person's life) to have what they think will fill their endless hunger.
For some of us, we know that this hunger can only be filled by God alone. Yet, I always hear people complain and grumble when God leads us into His wilderness, and I am guilty of this too. We say, "God is out to kill us with nothing to eat!" or that he just wants to make us suffer, he wants us to make us slaves, and he doesn't want us to enter into the land flowing with milk and honey. We never see the God who knows what is best for us, the God who leads us with the clouds by day and the fire by night, the God who rains bread from heaven, the God who quenches our thirst with water from the rocks. We never see the God who wants to set us free from our slavery to the man-made idols. We don't recognize the God who gives us exactly enough bread for the day to feed on -- enough that we don't need the the sweeter things more desirable to our flesh. We don't see that his exact portion of bread for us is his fullness for us daily, and that when we don't eat what he gives we leave it to spoil. We don't see the God who desires us to walk in obedience so that when we go back into the hostile environment, we can continue to be filled by Him alone and be lead into the promise land.
I realized today how much I grieve the Holy Spirit by misunderstanding Him. His desire is for us to embrace his wilderness as he causes our hearts to completely turn to him wholeheartedly, to depend on him fully and him ALONE, to trust that he makes a way through anything, to show us that he won't give up on us, to trust that he will fill our hunger and every need, to train us to walk into the promise land and walk in breakthrough and victory in every area of our lives, to become REAL LOVE that the man-made wilderness fails to show. THIS is our God! Something significant that He spoke to me today was that I am to devour the bread that rains from heaven portioned to me daily and that I am not to leave any for the next day to spoil and rot. God is the living bread and what he gives us for today is for today, and we are to walk in full breakthrough with what he gives TODAY. I pray that we will stop waiting for breakthrough to land on our lap, but begin to walk filled with the living bread and allow Him to be all that He desires to be in our lives so that when we get back out there -- we know how to obey him and trust and believe that he gives in FULLNESS and nothing less.
His wilderness is ACTUALLY a very very safe place -- BELIEVE IT OR NOT! Dang. My God loves me. Ha!
Inspired by Exodus 16
We often times don't think of the world that we live in a place of wilderness because it has all the disguises of the "flowing of milk and honey" and the "freedom" to choose and live our own life. We say, our families are alright (better than someone's), have a good job, have a lot of money, have comfort, have a roof over our heads, have this and that. However, we so often fail to realize that we are actually slaves in our hearts, souls, and minds to the system, to money, to man, to false expectations, to a false sense of approval, and this list goes on. Yeah, we get to sometimes enjoy a nice meal, afford to drive a nice car, make a lot of money, receive recognition and approval from others, but we don't see the reality that this wilderness is hostile against mankind, that its out to kill, steal, and destroy until there's nothing left. It's filled with chaos, people seeking selfish gains and willing to do anything (even another person's life) to have what they think will fill their endless hunger.
For some of us, we know that this hunger can only be filled by God alone. Yet, I always hear people complain and grumble when God leads us into His wilderness, and I am guilty of this too. We say, "God is out to kill us with nothing to eat!" or that he just wants to make us suffer, he wants us to make us slaves, and he doesn't want us to enter into the land flowing with milk and honey. We never see the God who knows what is best for us, the God who leads us with the clouds by day and the fire by night, the God who rains bread from heaven, the God who quenches our thirst with water from the rocks. We never see the God who wants to set us free from our slavery to the man-made idols. We don't recognize the God who gives us exactly enough bread for the day to feed on -- enough that we don't need the the sweeter things more desirable to our flesh. We don't see that his exact portion of bread for us is his fullness for us daily, and that when we don't eat what he gives we leave it to spoil. We don't see the God who desires us to walk in obedience so that when we go back into the hostile environment, we can continue to be filled by Him alone and be lead into the promise land.
I realized today how much I grieve the Holy Spirit by misunderstanding Him. His desire is for us to embrace his wilderness as he causes our hearts to completely turn to him wholeheartedly, to depend on him fully and him ALONE, to trust that he makes a way through anything, to show us that he won't give up on us, to trust that he will fill our hunger and every need, to train us to walk into the promise land and walk in breakthrough and victory in every area of our lives, to become REAL LOVE that the man-made wilderness fails to show. THIS is our God! Something significant that He spoke to me today was that I am to devour the bread that rains from heaven portioned to me daily and that I am not to leave any for the next day to spoil and rot. God is the living bread and what he gives us for today is for today, and we are to walk in full breakthrough with what he gives TODAY. I pray that we will stop waiting for breakthrough to land on our lap, but begin to walk filled with the living bread and allow Him to be all that He desires to be in our lives so that when we get back out there -- we know how to obey him and trust and believe that he gives in FULLNESS and nothing less.
His wilderness is ACTUALLY a very very safe place -- BELIEVE IT OR NOT! Dang. My God loves me. Ha!
Inspired by Exodus 16
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
'The Lighthouse'
Two weeks ago, I went up to the National Park Cabrillo in San Diego. It was my first time going up to a light house (yes this is it on the left). I'm not sure why the title "The Lighthouse" came up when I was deciding on what this blogspot would be called (I 'jokingly' went over many corny-er titles with cadengs), but I'm sure my trip here had something to do with it.I learned several things. A lighthouse produces its source of light through a lamp, which was originally lit by open fires and then candles, and then concentrates its light outwardly through its optical lens, which is rotated sometimes as frequent as every two hours by wounding a weighted clockwork assembly by a lighthouse keeper (back in the old days at least -- now everything is powered electronically or mechanically).
It's purpose is to "guide mariners along the coast or into a port, or warn them of submerged dangers."
In short, I feel that I am to be like a lighthouse that is lit by a constant, consistent burning of intimacy that comes only from spending time with God, with an optical lens that concentrates that burning light wherever the 'lighthouse keeper' rotates it.
***Something significant to note about a lighthouse is that it never leads mariners to itself, but it leads and flashes light toward where the mariners need to go or avoid by the leading of the 'lighthouse keeper'. May this one do just that!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Goodbye Xanga, Hello Blogspot
I had to say my farewell to my dearest friend Xanga today, since January 2003. It wasn't just any xanga, but it was Nameless_Hatty. Yes, it's ironic that the first part of my username was "nameless" and the second part was actually my name. I remember I always wanted to be 'different' and during that time, everyone was in the scene with these special nicknames like 'cutie', 'ace', 'sexy', you name it -- it identified someone. Some people would even get in fights with each other, over who had claim over it and who had it first, but this is another story for another blog. Anyway, I just knew I didn't want to be labeled by these akas that would not do justice to my identity. So, I ended up with 'nameless' except that I totally contradicted the first part by ending it with my name. Ha! If only I had known that it would be prophetic for what the blog would be about. Even though the username didn't make any sense at all, I realized later that everything I would write about would have something to do with my journey with God and that's what it became.
Seriously, xanga is where it all started for me. It's where I started to declare my love for God publicly. It's where I shamelessly shared my brokenness and wrote about the way in which God redeemed me -- especially my family. It's where I wrote about things I didn't really comprehend, but wrote about anyway because it just felt 'right'. It's where I searched for truth, for meaning, for validation (especially through comments hehe). It's where I searched for the 'I' in my identity in Him. As I am saying goodbye to my xanga, I'm realizing what my username really meant. It meant that I was called by my name by God, and that as I would search for my identity in Him that I would become so consumed by his identity to the point that I would be nameless. faceless.
I think this is where I am to begin my next journey on blogspot. Yes, I have officially converted to blogspot, but I am a xanga girl at heart. So I just wanted to dedicate my first entry to Xanga, the place where my journey first started. But above even xanga, I just want to honor holy spirit, Jesus, and God the Father who makes all things possible and declare that this new blog will truly honor Him, and Him alone.
Check it out though: www.xanga.com/nameless_hatty
**I still don't understand a lot of the stuff I wrote about =b
Seriously, xanga is where it all started for me. It's where I started to declare my love for God publicly. It's where I shamelessly shared my brokenness and wrote about the way in which God redeemed me -- especially my family. It's where I wrote about things I didn't really comprehend, but wrote about anyway because it just felt 'right'. It's where I searched for truth, for meaning, for validation (especially through comments hehe). It's where I searched for the 'I' in my identity in Him. As I am saying goodbye to my xanga, I'm realizing what my username really meant. It meant that I was called by my name by God, and that as I would search for my identity in Him that I would become so consumed by his identity to the point that I would be nameless. faceless.
I think this is where I am to begin my next journey on blogspot. Yes, I have officially converted to blogspot, but I am a xanga girl at heart. So I just wanted to dedicate my first entry to Xanga, the place where my journey first started. But above even xanga, I just want to honor holy spirit, Jesus, and God the Father who makes all things possible and declare that this new blog will truly honor Him, and Him alone.
**I still don't understand a lot of the stuff I wrote about =b
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