Waiting for the Reservoir

"So I tried and we tried -- and failed. He had to teach us to Be Still and Know. Then when His time came His will was clear." -Amy Carmichael

What Amy Carmichael said during a season in her life in ministry is becoming tangible in the season that I feel that I am in. When I look around and even look in the near past of my own life, I see how much we as people want to accomplish and even end up accomplishing everything in a egoistical way. We gather as much of our own strength, motivation, and might as we figure out a strategic way to accomplish our own will and desires. I mean, it's very rational. However, I'm realizing more and more how the genuine power of a person lies not so much in the effort that he or she takes to accomplish his own will -- but how power is birthed when we are able to sustain and confront the feelings of emptiness that we feel so often without trying to fill that void prematurely with a substitute power that is not really power at all -- but a disguise of what we really need. We see this manifest in so many ways within ourselves such as trying to define ourselves with a prestigious career, money, our fashion, cheap integrity.

I feel like I'm being emptied out these days -- to the point to which I see this weak wrinkly spirit in me who feels so helpless and hopeless and even sometimes depressed because I'm being told who I am not. My false sense of identity is being shattered from every degree. I've wanted to be so many things growing up -- not because that was what my soul was crying out for, but because these ideals made me feel secure and safe especially against the expectations of this world. But, I realize how I have used so many of these seemingly GOOD ideals as premature substitutes of what I need, or rather WHO I need. I know this "emptying" out of some of these identities that I have taken upon myself is necessary to truly come to a place where I can really know who I am in Him. When will this end?

If I can have the honor to even say this for this brief moment, I feel like I can identify with Amy Carmichael (BTW - I will be honored to live even a tenth of how she lived -- I would be blessed) as I feel like I'm waiting for the power of God to manifest in this empty vessel of me in such a way. I love the way this book called Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore that I'm reading describes genuine power -- like a great reservoir whose force of water is like a fast-rushing river. Nothing is manipulated, but everything that flows is natural -- flowing from an endless and mysterious source which I know I can only identify with Him. I am waiting for this and I know this wait shall be well worth it.

Let me tell you. I tried and tried -- and UTTERLY failed. He's having to teach me to be still and know in fullness. I know that this season will not end until I learn that and then I know His will will be clear.